Thursday, August 4, 2016

Fading Away

She is fading away slowly. It is agony to watch.

This process has hurt for years, but lately, seeing the slow, steady, horrible decline, causes so much physical pain. I literally feel like vomiting when I see her suffer. I ache to the core of my being.

And that is just me.

She is in pain.

She is slow.

She does not fight as much when she is left out. She doesn't have it left.

That makes everything all the worse for me.

Yet, to the rest of the world, all is fine and as it should be. People simply state "how sad" and then ignore her and me because it hurts to acknowledge reality. And then I ache more because I am so much more alone than ever before.

We are getting more help, but we are drowning. All MS and I do is work. There is no down time. EVER.

I am exhausted physically, mentally, and in every way possible.

And as bad as I feel, she feels so much worse. And I can't help her. She won't let me. She told me last night that she doesn't want me to worry more. And that hurts.

I have nothing left to give, but I have to. I have no choice. I have no choice but to keep pushing forward. I HAVE NO CHOICE.

And if one person says: "you have to take care of you" or any other bullshit like that, I may have to strangle you. That just shows how alone I truly am because you don't know and don't care to try to know. There is no taking care of me while my daughter is dying. I have to take care of her, her brother, my job (because I have to afford care), my house (because I can't afford to lose it), my husband (because I can't afford to lose him). There is no time to take care of me. Shit, I haven't even had a haircut since January. I shouldn't be taking the time for this, but I had to because I need to get some of the pain out. I told her she needs to try to journal or talk to let go of the bad feelings. How can I preach it, if I don't practice.
Having a child with a CHD is like being given an extra sense---the true ability to appreciate life. Each breath, each hug, each meal is a blessing when you've watched your child live off a ventilator, trapped in an ICU bed, being fed through a tube. Each minute is a miracle when you've watched your child almost die and come back to you.
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