Friday, October 19, 2012

Growing Up

My baby is growing up. She is looking so old and so incredibly beautiful. I often marvel at how far she has come.

I mean, look at her. She is simply amazing.

I look at this picture, taken earlier this week, on DQ's first official  picture day, and I think "how can this child only be 4.5 years old?" She just looks so much older (at least in this picture)?

So many things she does these days are grown up. Yet, she reminds me that she is still so very little all of the time as well. It is a hard age. She wants to be big. She is big. But she wants to be small. She asks me to cradle her in my arms and hold her like a baby. She is so, so tiny, I can easily rock her in my arms, just like I did when she was a baby.

How did we ever make it this far? How is it possible that I planned kindergarten for her just last week? Wasn't it last month that she was still demanding baby food at every meal? (I guess that was last year.) 

I am so proud of my children and how far they have come. I've known that TRex is big for years now. He blows me away with his depth, his compassion, his understanding. Wise beyond his years and unfortunately, gaining more experiences no 6 year old should face. Yet, he takes it all in incredible stride.

Yet, DQ, I've not let myself see her get big. Yes, I agree with her that she is big when she makes the statement. But did I really believe it? She's not big. She weighs less than 30 pounds, but my goodness has she matured.

I can't wait to see what more she will do and who she will continue to become. Who thought this would be possible before she was born or that dreaded day in December 2009, when she was given two years at most to live? 

I don't know. Maybe not.

I was drawn to this picture, stared at it for a good 10 minutes late last night, thinking "how did she get so old and why are her lips blue?"  I searched other recent pictures to see if was just the lighting, but no, her lips have a constant blueish tint in all of them. Pictures taken at the same of TRex, show perfectly pink lips. When did that happen? Her oxygen has been okay, hasn't it? Why is she blue?

Why do I have to have reminders of the bad when I notice the wonderful?

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Pinch Me

I love fall. I love the cooler weather, the color of the leaves. I love wearing heavy clothes and snuggling under a blanket at night. I love apples and soup, cider and donuts. And I just love the feeling I get inside of me when it becomes fall.  It may be a relic of my school days, but everything seems to start over in the fall. I love that.

And no matter how much I am reminded that fall is here . . . now, I'm not feeling it this year.  I don't know. It just doesn't feel real. None of it does. Each day, I go through the motions, but don't feel connected to any of it. Maybe its being in a new house and doing a new job.  Maybe its the unease of DQ's constant illness without answer. Maybe its the cough medicine I've been guzzling for the last week.

No matter what it is, I'm not connected to this fall and maybe not even connected to my life right now. Is that possible? I still do it all. I still hug my babies close and grab my camera so I don't forget the moments. I still work, drive home every night, pay the bills. But I'm not here.

Someone ought to pinch me. Maybe then I'll wake out of this fog.
Having a child with a CHD is like being given an extra sense---the true ability to appreciate life. Each breath, each hug, each meal is a blessing when you've watched your child live off a ventilator, trapped in an ICU bed, being fed through a tube. Each minute is a miracle when you've watched your child almost die and come back to you.
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