Human

I learned a long time ago how lonely it is to be a special needs mom. As they say happens whenever tragedy strikes, I quickly learned who was there for me and who was not. I grieved way back when for the losses I felt-- lost friendships, lost family, lost innocence.

I also had to learn something nobody mentions about tragedies: the cruelty of others. People love to kick you when you're down. I was told DQ's disabilities were my fault and punishment for my life choices. I was blamed for her dying. 

I learned to live with the pain and abandonment. I found new support systems. I moved on.

Or so I thought.

This week, the abandonment and cruelty of others is hitting harder than it has in a long time. Years even. Perhaps, it hasn't felt this acute since DQ was an infant.

I find myself wondering why people are so cruel. Why I deserve to be treated badly. What I did to be ostracized. 

I would love to scream "Fuck you all!" to those who are hurting me and mean it. But, instead, I sit broken and alone. Perhaps it's the last crack in my dam and not this specific cruelty, but I haven't stopped crying all day.

I am human.

Fuck you all :(