No Voice

I have had nothing to say for a very long time.

At least, that is the way it has felt.

I've had no desire to blog or write in any way.  I've been hiding from myself again.

These last couple of months have been some of the hardest I've lived through. (And, so you don't worry, the Dancing Queen has not been declining.  In fact, she had a cardiology appointment and she has remained the same--no better, no worse.)

I've been dealing with my own health scare--two large nodules discovered on my right thyroid.  One so large that it completely replaced the right thyroid and caused me great discomfort (okay, pain), lots of choking, and some difficulty breathing.  And they still don't know if it is cancerous.  They don't think it is, but I won't know until Thursday for certain because I had the monstrous thing removed a week ago and I don't see my doc until then.

And while I know that it is probably not thyroid cancer because (let's face it), I have all of the symptoms for Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  And I know that thyroid cancer is one of the "best" cancers to get because it is highly treatable.  Having this scare, well, scared me.

I've never felt more adult than I have in the last couple of months.  The responsibility of taking care of my family has weighed enormously upon me when I faced the possibility that I might not be able to do it. What would happen to my family if I can't work??????

The Dancing Queen's medical expenses alone would cripple us in a matter of months. Would we have to stop her Hizentra infusions? Would that end her life sooner? We'd definitely have to pull out of hospice care for her until she gets really bad.  There would be no more therapist for the kids.

Juxtapose all of those worries with the Dancing Queen's total descent into demonhood upon entrance to kindergarten and I've been a wreck.

DQ did NOT transition well.  She was worried, scared, and a little (maybe a lot) paranoid of how she would be treated and seen by the other kids.  That led to anger, aggressive outbursts, and many phone calls, meetings, and plans.  In September, I was consumed with my doctors' appointments and procedures and DQ's endless parade of horrors. She would make what she perceived as a mistake in art class and start throwing chairs and kicking classmates.  I would be called to the school.  Or she had a bloody nose on the playground and the nurse took a shortcut back after cleaning DQ up (so DQ could play longer) and DQ started kicking and screaming and flailing about in the hallway because she thought she was not returning to recess.  I was called when she wouldn't stop screaming after thirty minutes and was kicking the desks in the principal's office.

There was talk of suspending DQ from school in early October--6 weeks into the school year.  Suspending a kindergartner! I can't even tell you the anger, sadness, and confusion I felt.  I spent a solid 48 hours researching, talking, planning, and crying, only to have everything resolved and the proposed suspension completely removed from the table.

My life has been a giant ping pong match (ala Forrest Gump) with my head the tiny little ball being smacked between DQ's immediate problems and my overwhelming worry about addressing these problems and those to come if my sickness is worse than expected.

And somewhere in all of my worry, frustration, and fear, I lost my voice.  I'm trying to find it now.  I have to work through this and the only way I know how is to write and put it out there.  So, I forced this blog open today.  I made myself write even though I didn't think I had anything to say.  Perhaps I'll get there again.  Perhaps this blog will just be full of forced ramblings.  Either way, I hope it helps me find some semblance of normal in this new and very scary world.