Monday, June 20, 2011

Hard Questions

Over the last couple of months, the Dancing Queen has begun to ask really hard questions. She is fascinated by seeing pictures and videos of her as a baby. So it started by looking at pictures of herself as a baby. Inevitably, she noticed things in them, such as oxygen, monitors, or even her pacifier, that would make it obvious she was in the hospital. Then she asked "Was I sick as a baby?" Of course, I did not lie. I explained that she was born with a broken heart and the doctors worked on it as a baby. She knows she has a special heart, so this wasn't shocking to her.

The first time this happened, it was surprising to me though. I was never expecting to have to explain to a 3-year-old DQ all of the surgeries she has undergone. Nor did I expect to have to explain to DQ at this age why her cry was silent as a baby. But, she watched a video the Mad Scientist made of her as a newborn. She was on a ventilator and in the middle of the video, she started to cry the silent cry that killed us so when she was a baby. In the video, the Mad Scientist is trying to calm DQ down, but telling her it was alright to cry. Three-year-old DQ didn't understand and so I had to explain it. That was hard. She wanted to watch every video and we did through just before her second surgery. By that point, I had switched off with the Mad Scientist, so I could cry out of sight and going beyond the point where she was supposed to be fix was too much for us to handle. Those videos and photos took a huge toll on me. I never expected it.

Since then, she has asked for the pictures and videos again. It is getting slightly easier for me, but I'm not showing her as many at at time. Just when I think I can "handle" the hard questions, she throws me a curve ball. This morning, DQ wanted her polar bear (probably because TRex had to have it last night). I told DQ that her Ma gave her the polar bear when DQ was still in my belly. Her response was "the polar bear was on my head as a baby in the hospital." She was right. That polar bear sat in her "bed" as a newborn, right above her head.
From there, DQ asked why she was in the hospital as a baby. She wanted to know why she had a broken heart. I couldn't answer that last question and luckily her brother provided a diversion. I know in the future though (and probably the near future), she is going to ask again and I'm going to need to be prepared. I don't know what to say. In the mean time, I'll enjoy seeing her hug the polar bear that watched over her so closely as a little baby.


  1. What a touching post...she is amazing to be asking such insightful questions. I love that her polar bear continues to watch over her!

  2. Oh wow that is a tough one. I am not sure how I will handle it when Logan asks those questions. Right now he doesn't seem to care. Maybe in a way Wyatt has prepared me because he asks a few times a year why Logan was born with a broken heart and he was given a healthy one. Each time I try to explain how God creates everyone in a unique way but we are all perfect in HIS eyes. I also explain that sometimes God brings things into our life to teach us important things like how to be humble, to love other people, to bring us closer together and to see why it is important to help others. That usually helps in some way to answer his questioning but I know that someday Logan's questions are going to be a lot bigger and most likely involve many tears. I am guessing when he goes to the big school is when it will start.



Having a child with a CHD is like being given an extra sense---the true ability to appreciate life. Each breath, each hug, each meal is a blessing when you've watched your child live off a ventilator, trapped in an ICU bed, being fed through a tube. Each minute is a miracle when you've watched your child almost die and come back to you.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...