Hard Questions

Over the last couple of months, the Dancing Queen has begun to ask really hard questions. She is fascinated by seeing pictures and videos of her as a baby. So it started by looking at pictures of herself as a baby. Inevitably, she noticed things in them, such as oxygen, monitors, or even her pacifier, that would make it obvious she was in the hospital. Then she asked "Was I sick as a baby?" Of course, I did not lie. I explained that she was born with a broken heart and the doctors worked on it as a baby. She knows she has a special heart, so this wasn't shocking to her.

The first time this happened, it was surprising to me though. I was never expecting to have to explain to a 3-year-old DQ all of the surgeries she has undergone. Nor did I expect to have to explain to DQ at this age why her cry was silent as a baby. But, she watched a video the Mad Scientist made of her as a newborn. She was on a ventilator and in the middle of the video, she started to cry the silent cry that killed us so when she was a baby. In the video, the Mad Scientist is trying to calm DQ down, but telling her it was alright to cry. Three-year-old DQ didn't understand and so I had to explain it. That was hard. She wanted to watch every video and we did through just before her second surgery. By that point, I had switched off with the Mad Scientist, so I could cry out of sight and going beyond the point where she was supposed to be fix was too much for us to handle. Those videos and photos took a huge toll on me. I never expected it.

Since then, she has asked for the pictures and videos again. It is getting slightly easier for me, but I'm not showing her as many at at time. Just when I think I can "handle" the hard questions, she throws me a curve ball. This morning, DQ wanted her polar bear (probably because TRex had to have it last night). I told DQ that her Ma gave her the polar bear when DQ was still in my belly. Her response was "the polar bear was on my head as a baby in the hospital." She was right. That polar bear sat in her "bed" as a newborn, right above her head.

From there, DQ asked why she was in the hospital as a baby. She wanted to know why she had a broken heart. I couldn't answer that last question and luckily her brother provided a diversion. I know in the future though (and probably the near future), she is going to ask again and I'm going to need to be prepared. I don't know what to say. In the mean time, I'll enjoy seeing her hug the polar bear that watched over her so closely as a little baby.