If A Tree Falls . . .

Everyone knows the age-old question: If a tree falls in the woods when no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Sometimes, I think that is true for blogging as well. If a blogger posts and nobody reads it, do her words still matter?

For me, the answer is a resounding, YES!

I can journal and I have. Before my blog, when something would get me really worked up, I'd jot it down as quickly as possible (much like most of my blog posts) and then leave it. The goal was just to get it out of me. That would help, but part of the process for me is the follow up. Coming back hours later and re-reading what I wrote, learning from it. I often learn more about what I think and what I feel by reading my own thoughts later and ruminating on them.  The thing is, when I would write my thoughts on a random piece of paper, it would get lost or cause clutter. That wasn't helpful.

So, despite my frequent absences, I will continue to blog. Even if nobody reads this.

Searching

From time to time, I look at the traffic sources to my blog to see how people stumble upon me. The most common hit is people looking for Jake and the Neverland Pirates stuff. I'm sure coming to this blog is a huge let down for those people desperate to find somebody with the inside track into gear that is desired by all kids between the ages of 3 and 7.  I do promise that should I find Jake toys, I will post about them here.  After all, TRex has decided that this year's birthday theme will be pirates, complete with treasure hunts, maps, and adventure! Just wait for the Pinterest board on that one. If you thought my butterfly board was amazing,  you'll love my pirate board! (And yes, when I started writing this post, the pirate board had not been started, but I thought about it and had to get going. There is less than 4 months until the party!)

Back from my pirate break, another common search that lands on my fair blog is searching for images of kids with 22q deletion syndrome/DiGeorge's syndrome. I truly hope that whomever stumbles upon my blog with that search finds some comfort when they see photographs of the Dancing Queen. I remember clearly searching for images before my girl was born. Since I had never heard the terms velo cardio facial syndrome,  DiGeorge's syndrome, 22q11.2, or Catch 22, I wanted to know what someone looked like. Is it obvious? Will my baby face ridicule simply because of her looks? The thought terrified me when I was pregnant, so much so I was more concerned about the 22q than I was about DQ's heart defects. Luckily, the 22q hasn't thrown us that many curve balls other than the cardiac issues (even if DQ has more "symptoms" than most people I know with the deletion).  And I hope when people see my sweet girl they see the beauty in her and it helps them come to terms with whatever they are dealing with.

Today though, I had a new search land on my blog. Someone searched for images of post op for pulmonary atresia. That search caught me off guard. In the past, people had landed here through searching for images of babies on a ventilator, but never specifically looking for images related to my daughter's specific CHD. I couldn't remember what post would hit on that, so I looked and I read my story from last August. And I cried. I cried a lot.

That post was so clear. It was full of facts. It stated life as it was.

Funny thing though. My emotional side had pushed aside a lot of those facts. I had forgotten emotionally that we were never promised a healthy child. I had forgotten emotionally that the doctors told me point blank on the day of DQ's last open heart surgery that they couldn't fix everything that needed fixing. I had forgotten emotionally that last summer was the best her heart was ever going to be.

I knew all of this intellectually. I've said it over and over and over again. Repeated like a mantra, even here. Yet, reading it all again today, it washed over me like a blanket in the night, suffocating me. (I'm drowning, MS, I'm drowning.)

But when my cry was done, I was ready to move on . . . emotionally.

The Dancing Queen is doing remarkably well for her. She is happy. She is healthier than she has ever been thanks to her army. Her cardiologists are not overly concerned about her swelling. And we are living life. Of course there is t-ball and ballet for DQ. Summer is coming and she is looking forward to the zoo (which we are doing this weekend for the Walk for Wishes), playgrounds, the beach, and a family vacation on the lake. I am ready to enjoy it all.

I hope the person who found my blog searching for post op images can enjoy life as well. A diagnosis of pulmonary atresia is scary to say the least. I have too many friends who have said goodbye to their children from this dreadful disease. I have friends saying goodbye right now. But, I also have friends with children thriving and doing remarkably well with pulmonary atresia. Life is good and these kids know how to enjoy it!

Fraud

I haven't been posting because I feel like a fraud.

In my last real post, Thursday night, I wrote how I intended to make "me time", how I was just going to plan it and make it happen because I am worth it.  Unfortunately, I was quickly reminded the next morning of why I don't normally have me time: the Dancing Queen's precarious health.  We spend so much time on doctor's appointments, therapy, procedures, etc, that "me time" is swallowed up by being a "normal" family, work, and sleep. And I can't just make "me time" happen unless I forgo sleep (much like I am doing right at this moment).

That is why I feel like a fraud. I promised to myself only a couple of days ago that I was going to make time for me and the very next morning, the promise was broken. I don't know how to rectify this or if rectification is necessary, but I do know that I don't feel right.  I feel guilty for declaring that I enjoyed the time away from my kids because for a moment I didn't realize that the Dancing Queen wasn't doing well (because I didn't see her for a couple of days). I feel guilty for making myself a promise (that was told to the world no less) and know it can't be kept (not with DQ home from school two days, three appointments this week alone, then school starting next week).

And maybe "guilt" isn't even the right word. But I don't feel right about my "me" post, but I also feel like I was right in the sentiment behind it. I am worth "me time". I am more than just my family and work, but in order to keep it all going, I have to continue putting myself further behind.

I also don't feel right about wanting to take time away from my kids and taking care of them because it is not their fault either. As much as I didn't ask to be the parent of a special need's child, the Dancing Queen didn't ask to be born with a horrific set of conditions that threaten her life and make everything more difficult, even the easy stuff like, breathing and eating.

And so I feel like a fraud. My statements on this blog last Thursday, while heart-felt at the time, were not quite right. And this blog is merely an extension of me, so I have felt not quite right. I am not that together. It is not as easy as scheduling "me time".

Social Media

I started this blog so that I could find a place to scream at the world, where I wouldn't feel so alone. And as the time has gone by, I've found that I enjoy yelling, crying, and sharing my ideas (at least those I can publicly share) with the world. There was one drawback to the blog--no real interaction. You lovely readers frequently leave me messages and I respond when I get the chance via email (if you leave your email address), but it wasn't *real* interaction, so I have expanded with other social media.

A couple of months ago, I added a Facebook page since I'm on there all of the time anyway. It has helped breed that interaction I so desire. If you haven't checked it, please do so and introduce yourself.

Then one of my favorite bloggy friends jumped to Twitter and the question became, should I do it too? So many other bloggers are on Twitter and there seems to be so many conversations/posts that get started there. The thought of joining in on the fun intrigued me. But, I didn't really want to do it. I was on Twitter and deactivated about three years ago. I joined when Twitter was new. I had less than ten people that I followed who weren't politicos or news agencies. I had only a handful of followers. It just wasn't interesting. I had learned enough for my purposes as an electronic discovery and evidence expert and left.

But now, Twitter is different. Everyone knows what it is. No longer is Twitter the new social media on the block and it is being used widely. So, because the neighborhood seemed so much more interesting, I jumped back on Twitter. I'm hoping all of you will help me find it more interesting. Give me suggestions. Tell me who is fun to follow. And how do I get rid of those spammers easily? (I've only been back about 5 hours and already have a spammer.)