Princess Tea Castle

The Dancing Queen woke up Thursday morning with a huge smile upon her very swollen face.  Sitting hurt because of how big her belly was, but all she cared about was getting to be a princess that night!  Yes, Thursday was the night for the Princess Tea Castle with DQ's Daisy Troop.  She was going to dress like a princess and do all things princess with the other girls.

As DQ contemplated the many long hours until 6:30 p.m., she quietly asked: "Mommy, what if other girls in my class, who are not Daisies want to be princesses too?  I think I will only talk about this event with A. I don't want any of the other girls to get upset."  (A is the only member of DQ's Daisy troop in her class.) Such tact for a six-year-old!

Much later that evening, after dance class with recital practice, after dinner, and after her evening breathing treatment, DQ and I readied ourselves for the night on the town.  It was almost bedtime, but instead of heading to read a story, the Mad Scientist took our picture, then we were out!

We listened to "Let it Go" and the rest of the "Frozen" soundtrack for the entire car-ride.

By the time we arrived, DQ's Daisy Troop was already in the process of getting beaUtiful.  DQ jumped right in and didn't even scream as they pulled her hair into a rubber band and used bobby pins!  (I can't even brush her hair without screams of terror!)

DQ sitting on what she dubbed the "Queen's Chair"!

 Next, DQ got to choose from hundreds of princess dresses!  I bet you'll never guess what color our pink queen chose!

After a group picture with the singing princess who reigns over the Princess Tea Castle, the princesses were paraded into the tea room. DQ was nearer the end of the group and I almost fell over laughing as she tried to climb over the flowers to get on the stage that they weren't using at that point.  She felt she needed a stage to be properly introduced!

The girls then had a lesson in how to eat like a princess. And of course, they got to eat royal treats!

Then there was the fashion show.  A princess has to show off her evening gown!  DQ was asked what she wants to be when she grows up and, of course, she responded: "A queen!"  But we already knew this because she IS a queen!

Showing off her sparkly, light up, pink princess shoes!

The night ended with dancing!

 

Now you tell me, what more could Dancing Queen have wished for in a night such as that?!?!  Apparently, nothing, because she told me the night was a dream.  And when the Mad Scientist and I tucked her into bed, the dream she chose to sleep to was exactly what had already happened.  That, my friends, is a first!

No Voice

I have had nothing to say for a very long time.

At least, that is the way it has felt.

I've had no desire to blog or write in any way.  I've been hiding from myself again.

These last couple of months have been some of the hardest I've lived through. (And, so you don't worry, the Dancing Queen has not been declining.  In fact, she had a cardiology appointment and she has remained the same--no better, no worse.)

I've been dealing with my own health scare--two large nodules discovered on my right thyroid.  One so large that it completely replaced the right thyroid and caused me great discomfort (okay, pain), lots of choking, and some difficulty breathing.  And they still don't know if it is cancerous.  They don't think it is, but I won't know until Thursday for certain because I had the monstrous thing removed a week ago and I don't see my doc until then.

And while I know that it is probably not thyroid cancer because (let's face it), I have all of the symptoms for Hashimoto's Thyroiditis.  And I know that thyroid cancer is one of the "best" cancers to get because it is highly treatable.  Having this scare, well, scared me.

I've never felt more adult than I have in the last couple of months.  The responsibility of taking care of my family has weighed enormously upon me when I faced the possibility that I might not be able to do it. What would happen to my family if I can't work??????

The Dancing Queen's medical expenses alone would cripple us in a matter of months. Would we have to stop her Hizentra infusions? Would that end her life sooner? We'd definitely have to pull out of hospice care for her until she gets really bad.  There would be no more therapist for the kids.

Juxtapose all of those worries with the Dancing Queen's total descent into demonhood upon entrance to kindergarten and I've been a wreck.

DQ did NOT transition well.  She was worried, scared, and a little (maybe a lot) paranoid of how she would be treated and seen by the other kids.  That led to anger, aggressive outbursts, and many phone calls, meetings, and plans.  In September, I was consumed with my doctors' appointments and procedures and DQ's endless parade of horrors. She would make what she perceived as a mistake in art class and start throwing chairs and kicking classmates.  I would be called to the school.  Or she had a bloody nose on the playground and the nurse took a shortcut back after cleaning DQ up (so DQ could play longer) and DQ started kicking and screaming and flailing about in the hallway because she thought she was not returning to recess.  I was called when she wouldn't stop screaming after thirty minutes and was kicking the desks in the principal's office.

There was talk of suspending DQ from school in early October--6 weeks into the school year.  Suspending a kindergartner! I can't even tell you the anger, sadness, and confusion I felt.  I spent a solid 48 hours researching, talking, planning, and crying, only to have everything resolved and the proposed suspension completely removed from the table.

My life has been a giant ping pong match (ala Forrest Gump) with my head the tiny little ball being smacked between DQ's immediate problems and my overwhelming worry about addressing these problems and those to come if my sickness is worse than expected.

And somewhere in all of my worry, frustration, and fear, I lost my voice.  I'm trying to find it now.  I have to work through this and the only way I know how is to write and put it out there.  So, I forced this blog open today.  I made myself write even though I didn't think I had anything to say.  Perhaps I'll get there again.  Perhaps this blog will just be full of forced ramblings.  Either way, I hope it helps me find some semblance of normal in this new and very scary world.

What?!?

My computer bonged. I had a new email. I didn't much care. It was well after close of business. I was trying to finish up the piece of research I was working on before I headed home.

As I closed down the computer, I noticed that the email was from TRex's teacher. The subject was "June Volunteer Calendar". I knew I couldn't help in the class this month, so I almost deleted it without reading. But, I didn't want to miss any other news she might have, so I opened the email. As I read the short email, a gasp caught in my throat: "Attached is the June volunteer calendar. I can't believe the school year is almost over."

The final weeks of kindergarten! Wasn't it just yesterday that TRex was stressing out about starting kindergarten? Wasn't I just freaking out about whether he should even go? How could my baby, so small and innocent, be finishing kindergarten?!?!?!?!?

I began to cry, big fat tears.

TRex has grown so much in the last school year. He is no longer a little kid. He has matured so very much. And he has learned even more. My son who refused to color because he "hated" it, is now drawing intelligible pictures, coloring them, and writing stories for them to boot!

TRex is reading beginning books to us easier than even a month ago. Each day, he learns more. I swear it is exponential. Yet, I didn't realize the magnitude of this growth until that email.

My son will soon be a first grader.

A first grader.

Wasn't I just changing his diapers yesterday?

I'm not ready to be the mom to a first grader . . .

Not a Tiger Mom

I am not a tiger mom. In fact, I sometimes think I an the opposite of a tiger mom.

Don't get me wrong. I want my children to succeed. I want them exposed to important learning experiences.

But, I don't force them to take lessons (except for TRex's swimming class, but that is to help him learn to swim cause he loves water and I don't want him to drown and we are hoping it will help him get over some of his fears). 

I don't sit in front of my kids with flashcards and I didn't make them learn to read as babies.

Frankly, I get annoyed that after seven hours in school each day my 5 year old has half hour of homework every night.  He's in kindergarten!

I think kids should be allowed to be kids. And I think school is important. I think homework is important. I think fostering the attitude that schoolwork is important is important (this is why I do not let TRex know I'm annoyed by his homework!)

I know there are other kids out there who are being groomed to excel in every way possible to be the uber kid so that by the time my kids are in junior high, the uber kids will make the team and beat my kids at everything. I know these uber kids will have better chances at ivy league schools and a more stable future. I saw their parents at an open house when kindergarten began. The desperation in their faces was palpable as they asked about starting a Mandarin club so the kids could learn more than Spanish. I know my kids will have tough competition.

Yet, I can't be a tiger mom.

I want childhood be to full of wonder and adventure. I want my kids' imaginations to bloom and grow. I want them to know the joy of a lazy day. Inspiration is born of a mind left to wander and experience. I don't see how regiment and 100% discipline allows the spirit to grow.

So, yes, I'm not a tiger mom.

School!!

Getting two kids ready for three schools in the morning, then heading off to work all day, to come home to do the paperwork and other odds and ends for two kids in three schools is E X H A U S T I N G. And I'm lucky. The Mad Scientist has made TRex's lunch and two healthy snacks each day and made sure the Dancing Queen's meds are within reach for the morning.

But, other than that, school is going well. Both kids are really enjoying it.

TRex loves his teacher and he may even have a crush. He told me she was the bestest. And the plan developed by TRex and I worked. Yesterday, he read books at the before and after school program AND drank his water. Today, he played with another kid (I'm guessing a first grader). He loves his class, he is enjoying his before and after school, and best of all, I don't have to force him out of bed each morning with a crow bar!!

The Dancing Queen loves, loves, loves going to her 'nother school and the new school (special ed preschool and mainstream preschool respectively). Each day she has fun and we know they are helping her.  At the special ed preschool, they are working with her on gross motor and fine motor skills. While cognitively, DQ is at or above age level, she is about 2 years behind in her gross and fine motor skills (due to extensive hospitalizations, surgeries, 22q deletion, hemihypertrophy, and lack of endurance due to heart and lung disease). So, working with the physical therapist and occupational therapist at the school is very important.  The teachers also help strengthen her.

Unfortunately, all of that physical activity leaves DQ very tired on her way back to her mainstream preschool. And she is on the bus for about half an hour or more, so she falls asleep.  That is not good because then DQ doesn't take her regular two-hour nap.  Soon, her body won't be able to handle it and she will start to get sicker. With her weak immune system, it is asking for trouble.

We didn't have this problem last school year because she was only on the bus for about 7 minutes.  However, the current bus driver alleges that it is impossible for DQ to get to her mainstream preschool no quicker than 25 minutes (same distance, yet takes 3 times as long!)  So, the Mad Scientist and I are at a loss. We had hoped this was just first week of school glitches, but after today, we've been told this is as good as it is going to get.

We don't have the money to pay someone to pick her up and bring her to her mainstream preschool. We don't have the money to pay for private physical and occupational therapy. And we don't have the money to quit one of our jobs to get DQ from the special ed school. We could pull her totally from there, leaving her in the mainstream school, but would that be wise? I don't know.

What I do know is that she cannot continue only napping for 5 or 10 minutes on a school bus rather than 2 hours on a cot.

Maybe next week will be better?

First Day

I wasn't going to post tonight. I was too tired. But as my life would have it, as soon as I decided to head to bed, my brain went into overdrive. I kept going over the day--the first day of kindergarten.

We survived!

 The Dancing Queen had a blast at her 'nother school.

TRex enjoyed his class and his teacher.  And I never cried! There were some pretty hefty tears welling up inside, but I kept them in check. I had to. My boy was so scared. I wanted to protect him, to help, to show him it would be okay, but I couldn't be there with him the entire time. Since I couldn't, I didn't want to leave him with the vision of mommy crying and I held it back.

Leaving him all alone in that big school was one of the hardest things I've had to do as a mother. I kept wanting to call to check in on him like I did when he was 3 months old and I dropped him off at day care for the first time, but I couldn't. Instead, I sat and worried, thinking of every possibility that could go wrong, like what if he doesn't know to ask if he has to use the bathroom and gives himself a bladder infection (we had a problem like that with him when he first started at his last preschool).  Or what if can't get his lunch food open and is starving? And my biggest fear was if he would make it to his after school program okay.

I'd like to say none of my fears were realized, but that is not quite true. I was way more worried than necessary, but TRex didn't eat much of his lunch and was STARVING for an early dinner (worked out okay because he finally gave chili a chance and loved it).  TRex was excessively thirsty because he was told the drinking fountain was broken, so he couldn't have water. I asked him why he didn't drink the water I packed and his answer was that the teacher at the afterschool program didn't know he had water (he didn't think to tell them). As soon as the Mad Scientist got to TRex, he immediately asked if he could drink his water and then guzzled the entire container. My poor baby.

And that wasn't the worst part about the day. My biggest fear came to life as well. TRex felt abandoned at the afterschool program.  School got out at 3:45 and the Mad Scientist was there within 45 minutes, but when he arrived, TRex was in tears. All day, he had been taken places, shown what to do, with lots of new friends and classmates, then he was just left in a huge gym with a couple of other kids and a teacher who he didn't know (even though we introduced him this morning). TRex wanted me and he wanted the Mad Scientist and we weren't there. And it breaks my heart.

I was a latchkey kid (well not really because I went home by myself and my sister, not to a school program). I remember being the last kid left some place. I remember the waiting for my parents. I don't remember being sad about it, but I remember it being hard (and I was probably sad at points). I also know that in time, it will be okay. I just wish TRex could learn this lesson at a little older, but I don't have the luxury of not working, so we'll do the best we can now (it still breaks my heart).

TRex and I developed a game plan. First, when I drop him off tomorrow for the before school program (which is the same as the after school program), we are going to look for books to read for him. I'm going to talk to the before/after school program coordinator about TRex wanting a drink and not knowing how to ask for it. TRex has been told that if he is thirsty, he is allowed to ask for a drink. And most importantly, TRex knows that he will be able to read books at the end of the day while he waits for his daddy to pick him up. And we have reinforced that he will always be picked up.

Once these issues are worked out, which I know will take time, I think TRex will do really well. He was very excited about everything else. He told us about classmates, stories, his Spanish teacher, and eating lunch by the windows. He is looking forward to a real recess too. Apparently, they were running late today and didn't get to really play.

So, we survived. Tomorrow, we will work on enjoying more. And, hopefully, some time soon, school will be easy and fun!

I'm Not Ready for Kindergarten

I've had so many random thoughts for posts running through my head this week. I've even started drafting several posts. But, I just can't seem to complete my thoughts. I hit a roadblock---either I can't figure out how to connect what I want together, I think it shouldn't be shared with the world, or I get distracted. I have been so easily distracted this week. I know it is my emotions getting the better of me. That is part of my lack of posting and reading blogs too. I have found myself getting angry with other posts or annoyed. I've been yelling at the news a lot too. I didn't want my emotional opinions out for the world to read because I might regret them after I return to normal.

So, you may be wondering what has my emotions in a tizzy. Even if you don't wonder, I'm going to say it: I'm freaking out about kindergarten starting on Tuesday. I worry that TRex is not ready. I worry that his dislike for coloring or writing will hurt him. I worry that at 17 months old he knew all of his letters, upper and lower case, and he was beginning to recognize words. But today, he can barely recognize his own name and he doesn't know all of the letters. I worry this is going to hurt him, even though I was told it would not be a problem. I worry that he won't make friends. That he will be scared. That I won't be able to protect him from how horrible children are; how they ostracize, make fun, and hurt others. I worry that he will be the one ostracizing, making fun, and hurting someone else.

But my true over-riding concern is that I have failed him in the past. I allowed him to forget his letters. I didn't force him to write or color when he didn't want to. I kept him in his long-time preschool until last December.  I tried to keep him emotionally stable to the detriment of his learning because I couldn't handle two children in crisis at the same time. What if I do it all again when the stakes are so much higher? I've been worried all week about what will happen to TRex when DQ ends up in the hospital this winter. What if I revert to parenting in the moment, concentrating on treading water, and can't propel TRex forward like he needs? And TRex does need that push. He often lets his fears prevent him from moving forward. What if I'm incapable of pushing when he needs it most? What if TRex starts having problems at school? What if he is bullied or doesn't have any friends or is miserable? What if I miss it because I'm distracted? Will I fail my son again?

Yes, a lot of my fears about kindergarten have been very self-centered. But when it comes down to it, I have to be the parent to two children and sometimes it feels like TRex gets the lesser end of the parenting because he is not sick and not delayed. I don't want him to feel that way. He deserves a mom who is just as attentive to him, who will pick up on the problems that happen at school. And now that he is in kindergarten, there will be so many more factors that I cannot control, cannot know all about. I won't be able to protect him the way that I want. And I'm so afraid that nobody else will care or know if he is hurting.

I have been paralyzed with this fear that I will let TRex down . . . until today.

Today, I sent TRex's new kindergarten teacher an email, explaining his backstory and his connection to his sister. I explained how he gets upset when she is sick and in the hospital and how we never know when it will be. I explained the seriousness of DQ's conditions and how TRex is just beginning to understand it as well. And then I told her if TRex started acting out or withdrawing from class that it would likely be related to his sister.

It felt good to send the email. I knew then that TRex's teacher at least would know what to expect. I didn't hold out much hope of getting a response on the Friday before the holiday.  (My experience with teachers in our public school system has been limited to DQ's special ed preschool teacher from last year and she left me angry on several occassions and NEVER responded to any messages, by any means sent, until I had tried to communicate with her about 5 times.) But, even if TRex's teacher never responded, I felt better knowing I had started the ball rolling. I planned to follow up by mentioning my email on the first day and go from there.

But I didn't need to do any of that!  TRex's teacher responded to me within an hour, thanking me for letting her know. She wants to set up a meeting for the Mad Scientist, myself, the principal, and her to discuss and make a contingency plan. I already love this woman! Maybe this school year won't be so hard after all.

Too Much for a Little Kid

My almost 5 year old is emotional like a teenage girl preparing to go off to college. He fights. He cries. He has nightmares. He yells. Then he comes running for a hug (full-tilt, lucky I don't fall over). I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do.

We've discussed before that TRex is a very caring young man. He is empathetic, loving, a hugger, and a caretaker at heart. But over the last month or so . . . Oh My GAWD!

Seriously, I don't know if I can take it any more.

I just think it is too much all at once and his little self can't process it all smoothly. I mean, he is turning 5 and he has decided that means he is big. After all, he is very insistent that as soon as he turns 5 he will no longer be my baby (even though a month ago he declared "I'm no longer a baby, but Mommy, I'll always be your baby"). So, we've got the whole growing up thing going on. That is heady stuff!

Of course, kindergarten starts the Tuesday after Labor Day, with a whole a new school. He doesn't know any of the kids who will be in his class. He's never met the new teacher, And we've only been able to see the outside of the school (although we have heard there is a pond in the center with turtles and frogs).  While TRex has been in day care and preschool full-day since he was 3 months old, this is still a big deal.  Even though we've been trying to downplay it to keep his anxiety lower, he knows he will be going to school with the big kids. That is definitely a change. How scary!

Even scarier is that his sister won't be going to the same school with him. We had told the kids this many times, but it didn't sink into either of their heads until a couple of weeks ago. TRex is very sad about that aspect.

Lest we forget, I've been working a lot more, so that always makes TRex less happy. Augh!

Finally, you add in the DQ factor and TRex is one ball of emotions.

Background: About two weeks ago, we sat at breakfast talking. DQ has finally started feeding herself regularly (yippy!!!) and so I tucked a napkin into her shirt to act as a bib. Of course, she is not a baby and didn't want a bib, until I explained that my grandma, the original Ma, used to use a napkin bib. Well, my kids wanted to know about this original Ma because they don't remember her. I showed them pictures and they wanted to know why they don't see her. I explained that she died a week and a half after TRex was born. TRex then asked, "Why did she die mommy?" I explained that when people get older, they get sick and they die, but he wanted more details. He was insistent. So I told him she had a heart attack (the night before TRex was born, but I didn't tell him that). TRex wanted to know what that meant. I explained that she was very old, had lived a very long life, had worked very hard (she had 13 children--all still living), and sometimes when someone lives as long as she did and did as much as she did, her heart breaks and can't be fixed.

TRex didn't say anything after that for a very long time. He was very introspective. He kept looking up at his sister, then looking down and thinking. Finally, he asked "Mommy, you can die from a broken heart?"  All the while, he kept glancing at his sister (who had just taken her morning heart meds).  I told him yes, when a heart works too long and too hard, a heart will break so that it can't be fixed and they will die. I could see it in his eyes, he knew that his sister could die from her broken heart. I don't know the extent of what he knows. He didn't want to talk about it any more, but he figures a lot of things out. We've discussed over and over again how the doctors try to fix DQ's heart. For a little boy who worries each time his sister goes to the hospital that she'll never come back, this is a very heavy realization.

TRex is emotional, scared, excited, angry, happy, and anxious. It makes him act like unmedicated manic-depressive.

Have you dealt with a similar experience with kids? How did you help them cope with these mixed up emotions without going insane yourself?

Decision Made

A huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I feel imminently lighter.

The Mad Scientist and I finally came to a decision as to whether to send TRex to kindergarten in the fall.  I have been worrying about this decision and how it can alter the rest of TRex's life for months now. I've fretted over whether holding him back will be the correct choice or whether sending him would do better in the end.  I have been changing my mind minute by minute.

That is not me. I'm usually very good about making decisions. I think very quickly and decisions are made and finalized before others even knew there was something to decide, but I fretted over whether to send TRex to kindergarten. I asked every person I could think of with an opinion. I read and read and read article after article. I debated the pros and cons. Each time, the decision was too close to call. When it came down to it, the part of the decision that weighed heaviest on my mind, nobody could give me an answer.

Ultimately, the Mad Scientist and I had to decide whether we thought TRex would be emotionally stable enough to make it through kindergarten while his sister was in the hospital. I still don't know if he is stable enough. But through all of my searching, I learned, that he may never be stable enough. He is a very empathetic little boy, who cares for his sister more than anything in the world. When she is in the hospital, it hurts him in his core. I don't think giving him a year will change that. He will only care for his sister more as time goes by (as we all do). So, I took that out of the equation.  Once that part of the question was pushed aside, the answer became easy.

TRex will go to kindergarten in the fall. He will turn five a couple of weeks before classes start.  And he is very excited. He may struggle at some point being one of the younger kids in class, but a good friend reminded me that he is lucky enough to have educated parents, who can and will provide him any help needed.  For now, I think he will do great. He is a smart kid with tons of potential and he wants to learn. Pre-k wouldn't provide him the structure or challenge that he desires. How could I hold him back?

For now, I'm very happy having this decision made and done with. In a couple of months, I may start to freak out with the thought of my baby in kindergarten, but for today, I'm good.

Lessons from the Past

Reading and writing have never come easily to me. No really, M.O.L., the lawyer, who reads and writes for a living, struggles with the written word. Most people who know me personally find this statement funny.  I mean, laugh out loud funny. I mentioned this weakness to both the Mad Scientist and the Editor this week and both of them laughed and not in a mean way, but they just couldn't imagine it. All of these feelings have raised to the surface this week with the TRex kindergarten meltdown.

My first grade teacher was highly inadequate. I don't say this lightly, but it is true. She was not a good teacher. In fact, I had this same teacher again when I was old enough to properly judge her ability and smart enough to recognize incompetence.  My first grade teacher also taught my french class in 8th grade because the district had wised-up and stopped messing with the education of small children. At the time, I might have pitied her incompetence, lack of control, and blatant inadequacies, if all of those things hadn't made me realize WHY I felt stupid for my entire life. I did not properly learn how to read in the first grade as a consequence of inadequate teaching, although I didn't know that at the time.

I struggled with reading and I couldn't spell at all. In second grade, I was placed in remedial reading classes, which I continued in until third grade. In third grade, I had one of the best teachers ever and our class totally concentrated on reading all of the time and I finally caught up to where I was supposed to be, yet the trauma from being in remedial classes and not knowing how to read and write was hard on me. I remember the beginning of third grade clearly. The Editor was starting first grade and her reading abilities were tested to be at the sixth grade reading level.  Me, at the beginning of third grade, two years older, and I was at the second grade reading level. I felt STUPID.

In the fourth grade, I underwent testing. I didn't know what for at the time, but I do remember one question "how many days are in a year?" I answered 305. I knew it was wrong and I also knew that whatever they were testing for, I had failed. Turns out the testing was for the gifted program and I was placed in it. Everything changed after that. Being told I was smart changed my outlook and I began to have confidence and started to excel. I still felt inadequate in reading, writing, and spelling, but I faked it because the school thought I was smart. It was at this time though that I realized I excelled in mathematics.

I continued through the rest of my primary and secondary education at the top of my class, excelling. I graduated number 2 in my class from high school. I won awards for everything and I was in all of the advanced classes for english by high school. Math was still my strongest point and I still felt my abilities in the written word were substandard. It was an advanced placement government class in high school that formed my love for the law. I didn't know if that was a feasible option though because I still didn't feel strong enough in my abilities with the written word.

I went to college, was placed in the advanced english program, and ended up with a degree in mathematics. I always planned to go to law school after college after the government class. I felt my love for the law in the core of my being. The law was me, totally and completely. My love for the law over-powered my fears of reading and writing, but they still persist.

After three years of law school and eight years of practice as an attorney, I am confident in my ability to read cases and write briefs, memos, letters, etc, yet I still feel I could do better. I know I read much slower than many people. I know I misspell words frequently (as any regular readers of this blog know). It makes me very self-conscience.

I don't want my children to feel the same sort of inadequacies. I want them to be confident in their abilities. While I know I can't protect them and there will be things that they struggle with, I also know there are some things that can be prevented. That is one of the main reasons I melted down over TRex's progress at school and being told he would need to be placed in remedial classes even though he is a smart kid. He wasn't drilled enough or taught enough at home, so he would be behind the rest of the kids from the beginning. That is not appropriate and is my failing, no matter the reasoning. I don't want to set him up to fail, so we are going to be working with him harder, preparing for kindergarten. If he's not ready, I won't send him.

Crying Uncontrollably

This has been one of the most emotional weeks ever, I think.  I seriously have spent a large portion of today crying.  Why?  I'm not really sure.

I cried this morning when Dancing Queen told me she was all alone at school.  I cried the entire time I wrote the post about it. Then, I got to school with the kids, saw that the Dancing Queen was having fun.  She was playing all alone, putting a baby doll on the indoor slide and laughing as she slid, alone, but having fun.  I was okay with it.  I went to leave, then I remembered that I wanted to ask how TRex was doing in school.

TRex is 4.5. He will be five in August, right before kindergarten is supposed to start.  We have him registered for all day kindergarten next year, but we don't know if he'll be ready.  He is a very smart kid, but he doesn't know what he should know.  A lot of that is a result of the Mad Scientist and I concentrating on the Dancing Queen's health. TRex is taken care of, but if it doesn't have to be addressed immediately, it is not.  During the majority of 2010, we dealt with trying to save the Dancing Queen's life. I searched for doctors, hearing countless times there was nothing more to be done, we flew across the country for a second opinion, and finally, in September, she underwent her third major heart surgery (second open heart, third time splitting her ribs).  Needless to say, I didn't sign TRex up for pre-K in September.  He was in a day care facility where many children stayed and learned just before going to kindergarten.  He was loved.  It was a second home for him since he was 3 months old and he was comfortable, something he needed while his sister was in the hospital and mom and dad were there too.  He needed normalcy and comfort when we were dealing with a surgery that nobody thought was actually going to work.  Who knew the outcome?  She could have been worse.  TRex's sister was literally dying, we were taking our last stand.  He needed constant support from people who loved him. 

The Dancing Queen's surgery was more of a success than any of the doctors told us to expect (okay, we were told to expect nothing). So, in December, we placed TRex and the Dancing Queen in a real preschool, with a pre-K.  We were told TRex would be in that pre-K class and they would catch him up.  Turns out, the pre-K teacher wouldn't accept him, he was too far behind.  So, he was learning the same things, just on a slower time frame.  The teachers were supposed to tell us if they thought TRex wouldn't be ready for kindergarten in the fall.  With his emotional state thus far, his close relationship with his sister and her frequent hospitalizations, we simply didn't know if he would be ready to be the young kid in the class and still succeed (and we still don't).

We hadn't heard anything about TRex's progress, so this morning, I asked. I was informed that TRex is not only behind from the pre-K class, his peers, but not even near ready to enter the pre-K class.  And here came the waterworks.  While I was busy concentrating on saving the Dancing Queen's life, I had let TRex fall behind.  He is an extremely smart kid.  He knew every letter of the alphabet in capitals at the age of 17 months and almost all of them in lower case too.  Now, at the age of 4.5, his teachers tell me he can identify 3 letters.  Yes, just 3.  (Granted, they claim he can only count to 5 and when he plays hide-n-seek he counts to 10 without issue.  I don't know if I'm worried about TRex or the school I've chosen for him.) I have failed him.  The teacher went on to tell me that they assumed TRex would be going to kindergarten in the fall, so they left no space for him in the pre-K class.  I started to ball harder.

Tell me, what am I supposed to do?  I can't go back three years ago and say, don't concentrate on the Dancing Queen quite so much.  You are failing TRex.

The teachers want to push him forward, no matter what.  Their schooling has taught them that when you are 5 you go to kindergarten no matter what. No matter that you spent your preschool years worrying about whether your sister was going to come home from the hospital (which he constantly worries about).  No matter if instead of learning flashcards at night, your parent snuggled with you because the other one was sitting at a hospital bedside.  No matter what, at 5, you go to school.  I cried and cried.  Then, the teacher told me "don't worry, there are remedial classes for him." So, now my bright child will need remedial classes because I failed him so.  WHY WOULD I SET HIM UP FOR SUCH FAILURE WHEN I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HOLD HIM BACK BECAUSE HE WILL BE AT THE INBETWEEN AGE?

I did ask that question, probably not in those words, not so coherently, and with a lot of eye wiping involved (luckily the kids were running around, having fun and didn't know mommy was crying.) The teacher said it is best for him to go to kindergarten, to have structure.  But, around here, parents routinely hold their boys back, whether it be more emotional stability or to get ahead in sports.  I could care less about TRex's sports' career 10 years from now.  I just want him to feel safe and secure in school and not feel like he is drowning. I cried as I left and as I drove to work.

I then went to work.  I cried there as well upon learning a institution that I hold dear will probably be gone soon. 

Later that day, we learned the Dancing Queen will be undergoing a procedure in the next two weeks.  Ear tubes for the third time in 15 months.  Her current tubes are falling into her ear drum.  Yes, I said falling in. While this is not normally much to have concern about, it is one more thing to add to our stress of March on top of finally getting the Dancing Queen's hemihypertrophy looked at over year after she was first diagnosed (and one of the main complications of hemihyptrophy is kidney cancer).

And why do they have to put tubes in so quickly?  Of course it must be done quickly because there is a concern about infection and her body can't fight infections any more.  But, if I concentrate on fixing these things and saving her life, I am making TRex go further back.  It is a no win situation!!

I got home from work around 8:00 p.m., after the kids were in bed.  (That would be every night this week.)

Luckily, my break down this morning at school helped.  The Mad Scientist informed me, that as of this evening, the school has reserved a space for TRex in the pre-K room for next year.  They will definitively let us know whether they think he will be ready for kindergarten in a couple of months, notwithstanding their view that all 5 years olds must go to kindergarten. They finally understood where I was coming from.

And, the Dancing Queen told me (cause she wasn't sleeping like she was supposed to) that she played today with lots of friends.  Perhaps, it was a phase.

Perhaps I cried all day for no reason.  Perhaps I am losing my mind.