I'm having lots of trouble concentrating today. It's 4th of July weekend, a weekend beloved by my Dancing Queen and filled with so many memories: my girl sitting by a beach; my girl take naps with everyone in the family so she would be able to stay up for the fireworks; my girl beaming with delight at the explosions of color; my girl dancing on the side of a hill to horrible music played by a rock tribute band before a fireworks event; my girl in a swimming pool; my girl eating ice cream; my girl so tired her last 4th of July that she couldn't get out of bed, but the family gathered around her; my girl littering the driveway with pop its and using a broom to clean them all up so she could use more; my girl ripping off her oxygen to use sparklers; my girl conspiring with her uncle about buying more fireworks; my girl riding on a pontoon across a lake; and my girl declaring each 4th the best day ever. All of these memories and more swirl through my head with love and heartache as I miss my beautiful daughter and how much she loved the 4th of July. She loved spending time with family, which we always did. One year is was literally yard work and a picnic, but we were together.
We have not set plans this year, except if nothing gets planned, we're going to gather at our house. And I'm not going to work, but it will not be the same. The Dancing Queen made the holiday special. She made all of the holidays special because she loved them all. Because she loved them all, we worked to make them special. Now nobody else really cares, so there is no need to make them special and each holiday just becomes another day. Worse, they become sad reminders of when we had it good or when the magic was alive.
Death doesn't just take the life of our loved one. It takes away the moments and the special occasions and everything that was shared. It takes away what could be. I am an empty shell of who I used to be. I don't like it. I don't have anywhere to put my lost creativity and my lost passions. That part of me seems to have died right along side the Dancing Queen. I am working on trying to revive it. I don't know if I can. The Dancing Queen not approve. She would tell me I had to find a way back to my creativity and bring the magic back, but she was my spark. I don't know how to find it without her.
