Playing Games in a Tent

Mommy, I want to dream about playing games in a tent with you aaaand . . . eating Azteca.

aaaand . . . eating healthy foods at home.

aaaand. . . eating strawberry shortcake.

aaaand. . . going to a chocolate factory.

Such is the nightly routine of my sweet girl. She is always going to dream of playing games in a tent with us and eating whatever suits her fancy that day (unless we read or watched Willy Wonka).

But how often have we played games in a tent?

Recently, not much.

It is 8:30 at night, when I'm sitting at the lonely computer, that all I want to do is play games in a tent. But, I can't. My babies are sleeping (or at least they better be!)

We bought this new house, complete with an office for me to work in. I've taken advantage of it. I've been home at bedtime so much more over the last several months than I had in a very long time. But now I want more.

I want to be able to play games with the kids, not just tuck them in. I want to be in their classrooms, not just hear about their days. I totally understand why being a stay at home mom would rock.

Don't get me wrong. I still love my work. I'm enjoying my new practice area. And we can't afford for me not to work (especially with the new house and an old house that is still in need of a renter--YIKES!)

But, sometimes, I want to play games in a tent with my babies and eat yummy foods, not just dream about it.

Barely Holding On

I have been so crazy, so overwhelmed recently, that I think its safe to say I'm on the tightrope, but just barely. I'm only holding on by a couple of fingers while a tiny bird pecks at them, in the rain, with the wind blowing, and a giant gorilla is jumping down the line.

Lucky for me, that damn gorilla should wander away this afternoon after he realizes we held on and close on our forever home.  The trick will be to stop the rain and get our current house rented out and fully move.

I'm learning to work with the wind. I'm taking over the practice area of a colleague moving on to bigger and better things. It is exciting and scary all at once and a career move I relish.

I'm never going to get back on the line though and feel safe until that little bird stops pecking at my fingers. DQ has not been improving since my last post and her episode. I've watched her start to look worse and worse. She is showing more and concerning symptoms daily. Tomorrow, we see the cardiologist; the bird will fly away or start pecking harder.

I guess I'll just have to find a way to put on gloves.

Weekly Wrap Up

This week has been a lot of the same. I have been working crazy hours and am so exhausted that even though I am in the midst of working on a brief right now, I have to stop and blog to get my mind focused again. (It might not make sense to you that I stop writing to write so I can focus on writing again, but it works for me!)

Weekly Hizentra infusion.

The week started out bad. DQ has had a cold and sinus infection for well over a week and woke us all up for at least an hour 4 out of 7 nights.  She finished her antibiotics on Thursday and by Friday afternoon, her ear drum exploded again.  So, we had 30 days of no infections following the start of Hizentra (immunoglobulin therapy) and she is still going to need multiple courses of antibiotics to kill the bugs. I'm so not happy about this. Grrr!

And to top it off, we learned that DQ won't tell us her ear hurts!  Seriously, her ear had exploded maybe an hour before, so I ask how her ear is doing. DQ's response: "My ear is good, Mommy." Really? How is that possible. You screamed in pain when I accidentally touched it a little while ago.  "Mommy, this ear is fine (pointing to the right ear). My other ear hurts."  Well, what ear did you think I was talking about!!!!!

DQ adores her big brother!

We did have some down right cute moments as well.  Thursday morning, when DQ and I dropped TRex off at latchkey, TRex's teacher was walking by.  She said good morning to DQ.  DQ hid behind me, poking her head out and smiling at TRex's teacher.  So the teacher (whom I think is the best) told DQ that DQ is the talk of the kindergarten class.  (In the past, I've had little girls from TRex's class run up to us and say "Hi, DQ!" They fawn over her. I think its cause she is so little. Like a live doll, really.)

I asked TRex why DQ is the talk of the kindergarten class.  His response was that he always says how he loves his sister so much.  How sweet is that!

(Much sweeter than Monday morning when TRex knocked me on my tucus in front of his school as he yelled and screamed at me because he didn't want to walk into school.)

I also started working with Icing Smiles on DQ's upcoming butterfly birthday cake. DQ and I have been working on her birthday party. She is so excited for butterflies (her favorite).  It is going to be bright pink (but not hot pink) and light purple.  DQ and I were looking at the Pinterest board I created for ideas for the party (have I mentioned that I love Pinterest).  Anywho, little girl decided I didn't have enough butterflies pinned, so as she went off to play with her brother, she instructed me to find more butterflies. When she returned and I hadn't pinned more butterflies she said I wasn't listening to her and I had to go to my room.  (Do you think she's heard that before!)  Little stinker, but cute nonetheless.  I'm so excited to start making this butterfly party a reality.  You should check our butterfly board.

 The video that started DQ's butterfly obsession! Playing it when DQ ordered me to my room, got me out of time out.

Finally, I have spent my spare time (whatever that means) making preparations for Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week.  It will be upon us before you know it.  I'm looking forward to seeing all of the work people have done.  If you want join in helping raise awareness of CHDs, one of the easiest ways to do so, is to follow the Faces of CHD Awareness Board on Pinterest and share the pins.

Fabulous cake the Editor made for DQ's mended heart party. It makes a great symbol for CHD Awareness Week.

Tatooed Freaky People

I work in a mid-size law firm, where everybody knows everybody. From all appearances, it is very conservative. In fact, it is very conservative, unless you get into political affiliations (but that is an entirely different story). Everyone wears suits every day, except Friday, where business casual is accepted, but many still look very formal.  Once a year, when we clean our offices out, we get to wear blue jeans. But that is it.

Me, I've always been more casual. Jeans were my uniform. My senior year of college, I never wore matching socks (mainly because it really bothered one of my friends and that humored me). When grunge came into fashion, I finally felt like my style became main stream.

Of course, as a lawyer, in this conservative firm, I wear suits on weekdays. I am the professional. But for nine years, I've harbored this huge fear that I would be discovered. Somebody from the firm would learn that not only are my political opinions liberal, but I do not fit in a world where people weekend at country clubs and wear cardigans instead of sweatshirts outside of the office.

But my biggest fear was that someone would discover I am a tattooed freaky person.

You can catch a glimpse of the tattoo in this photo.

I have two tattoos. One, I got after much thought and deliberation. It is placed on my back and easily hidden. Let's just say that the other one was obtained in the opposite manner and is not as easily hidden.

Seven or so years ago, one person in the firm saw my tattoo and the reaction was crazy. It was as if she had learned I was formerly a mountain goat. And she was not a person I was concerned about seeing the tattoo. And once the shock wore off, she didn't really care one way or the other, but it was completely the opposite of what she expected. That is not consistent with the firm image.

Needless to say, that encounter has stuck with me and made me even more afraid of letting people "know".

At least until tonight.

Tonight, we had a happy hour after work for all of the attorneys. This is not something we do frequently--hardly ever in fact. It was nice. I really enjoyed it. I work with a lot of really great people. And talking to them outside of the office has made me realize that all of us have a little tattooed freaky person in us somewhere, even conservative, straight-laced attorneys.

I'm still not going to let the tattoos show, but I now know that it wouldn't matter if people I work with every day learn I wear jeans on the weekend. We all have our roles to play at the office. But that is not who we are all of the time. It is nice to realize that I am more like the rest of them than I thought.

Feeling Blessed

I should really be showering and packing since I planned on leaving my house over an hour ago for a fabulous 4 day weekend away with my girlfriends. Instead, I've been reveling in a morning to myself. I enjoyed a leisurely breakfast, good coffee, and playing with pictures of my beautiful children. I figure my friends would understand. I have an entire weekend with them and never get time alone, so I'm taking this morning.

This time alone and my ultimate decision to take the weekend away, has led me to one conclusion: my life is wonderful. I am lucky beyond lucky. I have an amazing husband, fabulous kids, a great family, wonderful friends, a great job, and so much more.

Today, I'm grateful that I can take a weekend away with friends for the first time in 7 years (I think). I'm grateful that my children are alive and able to hug me and goof around. I'm mean look at those faces.

I'm so lucky to have these precious children call me mommy.

I'm grateful for a husband who is my best friend and my life. I'm grateful for my mom who watched the Dancing Queen all week because she was sick and unable to go to school. I'm grateful that I have a job where I can go away for a couple of days and people can appreciate how much I need it.

I'm grateful for so many more things and this morning, I can see it all. But mostly, at this moment, I'm grateful for these smiles.

What are you grateful for today?

It's all about balance . . . isn't it?

As a young woman, beginning my life, I was told over and over again that I could have it all. I could be the working mom. I could be a professional. I could do it all. The only limit was my dreams.

But that's not true.

You can't live all of your dreams at once, unless you are incredibly lucky. And let's face it, most of us are not that lucky.

To succeed as a mom, you need to invest a lot of time. To succeed as a wife, you need to invest a lot of time. To succeed professionally, you need to invest a lot of time. To maintain sanity, you need time to yourself.

All of it takes time. But you can't buy time. So you can't buy your dreams. You must choose.  And even if you think you have no choice, you are still choosing. 

Everyone will tell you that the trick is to find the correct balance of each facet of life to feel like you haven't given up on everything.

Balance.

That's what it's all about. Or so they try to make us believe. I constantly read articles on how to achieve balance. They all promise the same thing: if you balance your life, you WILL be happy.

But, you know what I think?

I think achieving balance is bull.  The people who sell us "balance" are the same ones who once told me the only limit was my dreams.  Life makes it difficult, if not impossible, to balance everything. There will always be something tipping the scales and attempting to knock us down.

The real trick is to stay on the line when the wind is blowing you over. You don't have to be balanced all the time. You just have to make sure you don't fall off.

I've been pretty close to falling the last couple of weeks. In order to stay on the line though, I had to let go of blogging and reading blogs for a while.  I hope some of the other things can fall away soon, so I can return to the blogosphere, but for today, I wanted you all to know that I'm still here.

Fraud

I haven't been posting because I feel like a fraud.

In my last real post, Thursday night, I wrote how I intended to make "me time", how I was just going to plan it and make it happen because I am worth it.  Unfortunately, I was quickly reminded the next morning of why I don't normally have me time: the Dancing Queen's precarious health.  We spend so much time on doctor's appointments, therapy, procedures, etc, that "me time" is swallowed up by being a "normal" family, work, and sleep. And I can't just make "me time" happen unless I forgo sleep (much like I am doing right at this moment).

That is why I feel like a fraud. I promised to myself only a couple of days ago that I was going to make time for me and the very next morning, the promise was broken. I don't know how to rectify this or if rectification is necessary, but I do know that I don't feel right.  I feel guilty for declaring that I enjoyed the time away from my kids because for a moment I didn't realize that the Dancing Queen wasn't doing well (because I didn't see her for a couple of days). I feel guilty for making myself a promise (that was told to the world no less) and know it can't be kept (not with DQ home from school two days, three appointments this week alone, then school starting next week).

And maybe "guilt" isn't even the right word. But I don't feel right about my "me" post, but I also feel like I was right in the sentiment behind it. I am worth "me time". I am more than just my family and work, but in order to keep it all going, I have to continue putting myself further behind.

I also don't feel right about wanting to take time away from my kids and taking care of them because it is not their fault either. As much as I didn't ask to be the parent of a special need's child, the Dancing Queen didn't ask to be born with a horrific set of conditions that threaten her life and make everything more difficult, even the easy stuff like, breathing and eating.

And so I feel like a fraud. My statements on this blog last Thursday, while heart-felt at the time, were not quite right. And this blog is merely an extension of me, so I have felt not quite right. I am not that together. It is not as easy as scheduling "me time".

It's Hard Being a Working Mom

You may have noticed that my posting has dropped dramatically over the last couple of weeks. (If you didn't notice, it has.)  My posts have dropped because my hours at work have increased. A LOT. That is a good thing, but it also sucks.

Working a lot is very good because having business is always very good. You might not know this, but the legal industry has been suffering just as much as the rest of the economy. Many, many attorneys have lost their jobs (but not their student loan debt!) Many, many more support staff have lost jobs. So, having work is a very good thing.

Unfortunately, this uptick in work is not crazy busy, not trial prep busy, but it is normal busy pre-recession. The problem is my level of overall fatigue. Because I am so tired from this life we have been living for the last three years, it is hard for me to get up in the morning because my inner night owl wants to come out (or at least stay in bed). However, if I don't get up by 5:30 am, I don't get to work until 9:00/9:30am, which means I have been leaving work between 9:00 and 10:30 pm. When I don't get home until 11:00pm, my night owl really kicks in, making it so much harder to rise the next day. Throw in the Dancing Queen crying off and on all night due to pain from an ear infection that won't go away no matter what we do and continuously bursts and bleeds, and I am one tired mommy.

I know my heart has bled a lot on these pages about how difficult it is being a heart mom and it is. But I don't think it is as black and white as I've been making it out on here or in my head. At least 50% of my exhaustion, of my dreariness, is being a full-time litigator mom. Trying to find enough hours in the day to take care of children (and a husband) while working is hard enough, but I am also expected to do the extra hours required for a litigator and I need to constantly be on call for emergencies and surprise deadlines. I'm not sure how I do it all because I am always so very, very tired.

I had lots of roll models for working moms. My mom worked full-time while raising my sister and I. My aunts worked. Both of my grandmothers worked. That is what you do when you have to put food on the table and one income won't do it. I saw them struggle to balance it all, but I had no idea of the utter weariness of it all. So, when baby fever hit, I knew I could do it because they all had, but I didn't really know how hard it would be (or the toll it would take on me physically).

Add in at least one doctor appointment a week, therapy sessions, and the inevitable trips to the pharmacy, even doing the regular stuff for the kids gets hard. For instance, TRex will begin kindergarten a month from now. How can I find the time to take him to visit the school (when it is open)? I need to be at work during the day and if I'm not at work during the day, I'm at a doctor's office or the hospital. I simply don't have extra time to take him to the school. Yet, he needs to go there.

So, I make time for things like visit schools, making me work later and longer when I finally get into the office. The next day I sleep in later, perpetuating the cycle. The only way to break the cycle is a break. This is why vacations exist. People need a pause button for life. And even if you don't go anywhere, at least you can catch up on sleep. But instead of vacations, we get hospital stays that are more draining than most everything else.

And that is why I am not blogging. If I'm not working or at a doctor's office, I am exhausted without brain power to write. It's hard being a working mom.

Where I've Been

Literally since the day I returned to work from my illness, I have been crazy busy. Within 20 minutes of walking in the door, I was told by two separate people that an emergency had walked in the door the day before and that I was the person who had to fix it. By noon, I was sitting in a 3 hour long meeting, discussing the emergency and devising a plan to tackle it.  Two weeks later, the emergency is no longer an emergency, but I'm still tackling it.

And while I have refused to work the weekends in order to rest since I'm still ill, I have still billed numerous hours over the last couple of weeks. Last night was the only weeknight I was able to see the kids before they went to bed and that only happened because I went to get a hair cut (I look like a ragamuffin; it's been about 2 months or more since my last cut!) and my stylist had gone home sick. (Yes, they had called to let me know numerous times, but my phone was at home).

Needless to say, my content here has been kinda lacking lately and I haven't had time to read all of my favorite blogs. I feel so out of the loop! And my game requests in Facebook have hit record numbers. I don't think I've played Bejeweled Blitz in over a week. The horror!!!

The good thing is that I am putting in hours and trying to make up for the whole scatter brain thing. I've been feeling pretty good working like this again. I definitely work better under pressure. It's one of the reasons I love what I do. And what exactly is that I do? That was asked yesterday by the kindly Donkeys to College (totally one of my favorite blogs), who chose to help me out when I asked for questions to give me blog post ideas. (I'm still open to more ideas any time. Ask away!)

So, here it is: I'm a commercial litigator. I usually represent businesses, but have represented individuals, governmental entities, and others. My normal case load includes breach of contracts, business torts, unfair competition, and malpractice (mostly defending lawyers), but I've handled construction disputes, employment matters, and foreclosures, along with other things that come my way. I work in a boutique firm with a reputation for taking on complex cases and I tend to be placed on the large trial teams. Accordingly, I rarely go to court despite being a litigator. I do write a lot though because one of my strengths is legal research. And I tend to be the one called on to lead document review teams because I'm very good at taking a large volume of information and quickly distilling it to the relevant portions.

My niche is electronic discovery and evidence. I had no thought of going into that upon graduating. But I was quickly labeled the attorney to go to for technological and computer questions and problems because I went to an engineering school for undergrad and have my bachelor degree in mathematics. It helps that I intuitively understand computers. Anyway, I enjoy that area of the law and it is constantly changing, so my expertise is always needed. (It also teaches me to be careful what I post because nothing on the internet is private and nothing on the internet is ever deleted.)

And that is what I do.

Weekly Wrap Up

Just a short wrap up for the week:  I worked. A lot. I mean, a lot, a lot.

Healthwise,  I'm doing much better!!  I'm still not 100%, but today marks the end of 5 weeks of illness--35 days that I've been sick, so I am happy to be able to breathe without a great deal of pain.

The Dancing Queen's infection is doing better, the antibiotic seems to be working (all viral negative), and only one other nose bleed that I am aware of.  Unfortunately, we learned some pretty hard news yesterday regarding our little girl. I'm not ready to think about the implications regarding it yet, but suffice to say, she has a new diagnosis, a new set of doctors, and . . .

I guess the good thing about this new diagnosis is that I'm not overly worrying about it. I'm not in a tailspin. Emotionally, I'm doing very well. That is good. Evidently, progress has been made. Yay, Me! I'd give up all of my emotional stability though if it meant my baby wouldn't need to suffer any more. I guess we can't have everything in life.

Don't think I'm going to leave you with a sad post. Here is the best part of it all: I get a surprise date night tonight. Yippy! The Mad Scientist and I are going to a Vietnamese restaurant we've been wanting to try for a year now. Who knows. We may even adventure out further. Maybe see a movie in the theater that is not kid related. Are there such things? Perhaps coffee and cards? Ice cream and a stroll? The possibilities are endless and so exciting! I think I'll end now to start my date.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend. What are your plans?

Time

I don't have the time to write a blog.  I don't.  So, please don't expect me to be funny.  I'm not funny in regular life, so I won't be funny here even if I had a ton of extra time.  This is my outlet, my chance to scream for myself.  I've been desperately searching for some other blog to follow that fits all of my things; some role model with a forum in which I can join her and shout out my frustrations in unison.  Unfortunately, I have yet to find the full time litigation attorney, who is also a mom to two kids, with one having special needs.  I follow mom blogs.  I follow mom to special needs kids blogs.  I follow law blogs.  I follow mom law blogs.  Not yet, have I found one who does it all.  Apparently, all of the moms who do it all don't have time to blog.   So, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I started my own blog.  Now I can scream and perhaps provide a forum for other moms learning to walk the tightrope to share in their frustrations, triumphs, and tedium.


Not that my life is tedious, but it's just not what I had pictured when I went off to law school.   The first thing they fail to tell you before you go to law school is that you will not have a fabulous lifestyle as an attorney.  Lawyers don't get to act like Ally McBeal.  They don't get to have fun in the party kind of way all day and there is a ton of work that goes into any brief, motion, or trial.  No lawsuit is filed, argued, and completed in a day.  It takes years.  And those years are filled with reading documents (most of which are irrelevant), reading cases and statutes, taking depositions that can last days and days, resulting in no new information, then putting all of that into a page limited brief, all the while trying to keep clients happy when they think you are just having fun like Ally McBeal.

Don't get me wrong.  I love reading documents, finding the smoking gun.  I really love reading cases and finding the argument that will work.  That is why I am a lawyer.  But, the hours are not fun, especially when kids come along.  In the last two weeks, last night was the first weeknight that I made it home before my kids' bedtime.  The only reason I made it last night was because I left early due to the alleged snowmaggedon that was about to pour feet of snow upon our fair city.  The reason I arrive home so late is:  (1) I take care of the kids in the mornings, getting them off to preschool (my favorite part of the day!); and (2) I can't work from home.  I am lousy it!  So, I stay at work until the work is done or my brain is mush.  Perhaps if I had an office, I could be more productive at home and work after the kids went to bed, but I doubt it.

So, this blog is a place for me write about how I cope with being a mom to a special needs child and a precocious 4 year old, a wife, a lawyer, a daughter, a granddaughter, a sister, a friend, a volunteer, and whatever else comes my way.  It is also a place for me to scream when it is too much because often it is.  Finally, it is a place where I hope to find other moms just like me or anyone else who wants to come along for the ride.