Momentary Relapse

I had a set back on my journey to emotional stability today.

Perhaps its because I'm tired and stressed, but I totally lost it this morning.

I cleaned out my van last night because my mom and I are swapping cars for the next two weeks so she can cart around 4 kids at once safely, car seats and all.  Anyway, I have a center consol that tends to get stuff placed in it. I found over half a dozen hospital "parent passes", old eye glasses in a case, wrapping paper and scissors (yes, I am that person who wraps gifts in the car on the way to an event), kid CDs, oodles of receipts, some jewelery, and pictures of the kids with Santa from 2009, amongst a lot more schtuff.

I brought the Santa pics in and showed the kids this morning. TRex immediately asked if he could see Santa now. I said no, but when we go to Give Kids the World Village in December, Santa will be there. I told them it doesn't matter when we go, Santa visits the Village once a week because he knows special kids go there.

And, as I thought to myself  "special kids who may not see another Christmas", I lost it. Totally lost it. In that moment, all of the work I had done, all of the time spent realizing worrying over worries doesn't help, all of that was gone. And in that moment, I was so afraid my baby would be gone too.

Luckily, life intervened and the need to give DQ her morning breathing treatment before she went to swimming class trumped my free falling emotions. I quickly regrouped and got back to business.

It's been an hour and I'm feeling better. I feel in control again, but I have this nagging thought just lingering in the back of my mind: Those feelings that I thought I had control over are still very close to the surface. I'm still recovering. And I probably will be for the rest of my life.

So, perhaps it wasn't a set back on my journey, but a lesson in how far I still have to go.