I am not a tiger mom. In fact, I sometimes think I an the opposite of a tiger mom.
Don't get me wrong. I want my children to succeed. I want them exposed to important learning experiences.
But, I don't force them to take lessons (except for TRex's swimming class, but that is to help him learn to swim cause he loves water and I don't want him to drown and we are hoping it will help him get over some of his fears).
I don't sit in front of my kids with flashcards and I didn't make them learn to read as babies.
Frankly, I get annoyed that after seven hours in school each day my 5 year old has half hour of homework every night. He's in kindergarten!
I think kids should be allowed to be kids. And I think school is important. I think homework is important. I think fostering the attitude that schoolwork is important is important (this is why I do not let TRex know I'm annoyed by his homework!)
I know there are other kids out there who are being groomed to excel in every way possible to be the uber kid so that by the time my kids are in junior high, the uber kids will make the team and beat my kids at everything. I know these uber kids will have better chances at ivy league schools and a more stable future. I saw their parents at an open house when kindergarten began. The desperation in their faces was palpable as they asked about starting a Mandarin club so the kids could learn more than Spanish. I know my kids will have tough competition.
Yet, I can't be a tiger mom.
I want childhood be to full of wonder and adventure. I want my kids' imaginations to bloom and grow. I want them to know the joy of a lazy day. Inspiration is born of a mind left to wander and experience. I don't see how regiment and 100% discipline allows the spirit to grow.
So, yes, I'm not a tiger mom.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I Wish!
I hate being an atheist. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
I wish I could believe in God, in heaven, in the hereafter. But no amount of wishing will make me believe something that I do not believe.
Tonight, as I was tucking TRex into bed, he asked about death. He asked what happens. He asked where do you go. He asked about the cemetery and whether everyone goes to the cemetery. The Mad Scientist and I explained that not everyone does. He asked what we will do. The Mad Scientist explained that we plan to give our organs, tissues, and whatever else they need to save another person's life, then cremate the rest.
First, he wanted to know what happened to the ashes. I explained the choices availble and told him about my grandpa's ashes in the memorial garden. "But what if you die mommy, where we will bring flowers?" I had to explain that he could buy my favorite roses and have them on his table to remember me by.
Then he wanted to know why people would donate organs. We of course explained that it was the greatest gift you could give and how tissue donors saved the Dancing Queen's life. On his own, TRex came up with "the gift of living".
Next, TRex wanted to know if it would hurt when they cut you up to get the organs. When I explained that you are no longer there after you die, he asked in a shakey, scared voice "And the doctors do nothing?" I had to say "if you are dead, there is nothing that can be done."
I watched him very closely up until that point. I saw the connections being made. I tried to change the subject to something positive, but it was no use. He needed to go there. "What do you mean, mommy?" I told him that when someone dies, you can't hug them any more, you can't kiss them, you will never be able to talk to them again. "Mommy, that is very sad. Do some people cry when someone dies?"
Of course I responded that most people cry when someone they love dies.
"But what if you die tomorrow, Mommy?"
I was sobbing silent tears. "You will be sad and it will be hard, but you'll go on with your life, make new memories, and be happy. You will always know that I love you forever and ever and always. And know that we live each day to the fullest, loving each other and getting lots of hugs now."
"I wish life didn't have to be that way, Mommy."
"I know, baby. I know. But this is how life is. Everyone is born and everyone dies."
"But I wish it didn't have to be that way."
"Mommy, why are you crying?"
The Mad Scientist stepped in, kissed TRex, hugged him close, reassured him of the wonders of life and how we expect to be around for a very long time. I composed myself. Then I kissed TRex good night again, closed the door to his room, and broke down completely. I have never seen that sweet little 5 year old boy so scared in my life.
I wanted to tell him when you die, you go to heaven. I wanted him to know that there was more, that he'd see us again. I wanted to give him anything that I could to help him be less scared. But I don't believe that. I can't. I've tried. It would so much easier if I believed. I wouldn't have to expose my children to the pain that is this life without the ultimate silver lining.
I guess in the end though, if we make each day count, like we try to do, we don't need the silver lining at the end. We'll make sure we find the silver lining in each day.
I wish I could believe in God, in heaven, in the hereafter. But no amount of wishing will make me believe something that I do not believe.
Tonight, as I was tucking TRex into bed, he asked about death. He asked what happens. He asked where do you go. He asked about the cemetery and whether everyone goes to the cemetery. The Mad Scientist and I explained that not everyone does. He asked what we will do. The Mad Scientist explained that we plan to give our organs, tissues, and whatever else they need to save another person's life, then cremate the rest.
First, he wanted to know what happened to the ashes. I explained the choices availble and told him about my grandpa's ashes in the memorial garden. "But what if you die mommy, where we will bring flowers?" I had to explain that he could buy my favorite roses and have them on his table to remember me by.
Then he wanted to know why people would donate organs. We of course explained that it was the greatest gift you could give and how tissue donors saved the Dancing Queen's life. On his own, TRex came up with "the gift of living".
Next, TRex wanted to know if it would hurt when they cut you up to get the organs. When I explained that you are no longer there after you die, he asked in a shakey, scared voice "And the doctors do nothing?" I had to say "if you are dead, there is nothing that can be done."
I watched him very closely up until that point. I saw the connections being made. I tried to change the subject to something positive, but it was no use. He needed to go there. "What do you mean, mommy?" I told him that when someone dies, you can't hug them any more, you can't kiss them, you will never be able to talk to them again. "Mommy, that is very sad. Do some people cry when someone dies?"
Of course I responded that most people cry when someone they love dies.
"But what if you die tomorrow, Mommy?"
I was sobbing silent tears. "You will be sad and it will be hard, but you'll go on with your life, make new memories, and be happy. You will always know that I love you forever and ever and always. And know that we live each day to the fullest, loving each other and getting lots of hugs now."
"I wish life didn't have to be that way, Mommy."
"I know, baby. I know. But this is how life is. Everyone is born and everyone dies."
"But I wish it didn't have to be that way."
"Mommy, why are you crying?"
The Mad Scientist stepped in, kissed TRex, hugged him close, reassured him of the wonders of life and how we expect to be around for a very long time. I composed myself. Then I kissed TRex good night again, closed the door to his room, and broke down completely. I have never seen that sweet little 5 year old boy so scared in my life.
I wanted to tell him when you die, you go to heaven. I wanted him to know that there was more, that he'd see us again. I wanted to give him anything that I could to help him be less scared. But I don't believe that. I can't. I've tried. It would so much easier if I believed. I wouldn't have to expose my children to the pain that is this life without the ultimate silver lining.
I guess in the end though, if we make each day count, like we try to do, we don't need the silver lining at the end. We'll make sure we find the silver lining in each day.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
The Cost of a Wish
I haven't been blogging because I don't have a lot of positive to say and I hate that this blog has become so negative. Unfortunately, my lack of blogging has also made me feel without a way to get "it" out. So, today I blog. I blog for me.
Since we last met, a lot of things have happened. I was named one of the 20 up and coming attorneys in the state of Michigan. The Dancing Queen started immunoglobulin therapy, which is an additional 2.5+ hours each week to give, but is helping her so we're happy. We took the Dancing Queen's wish trip to Florida. There was the holidays. And I've been crazy busy at work.
On the surface, all of these are wonderful things (yes, even being busy at work). And I posted about the big event, the wish, on DQ's carepage and elsewhere, had my happy moment, and now I'm left with what it all really means.
The biggest weight on my mind has been the wish trip. Don't get me wrong. It was amazing and wonderful. I've copied my positive update in the post below, so people don't think I'm not grateful, that it wasn't the trip of a lifetime, that I didn't make memories that will last forever. I did. But, I also had moments that will haunt me.
When DQ was granted her wish, I was so happy for her. I wanted her to have something positive in her life, something to look forward to. I knew why she was nominated and why she was granted. I was the one who contacted Make A Wish afterall. And I specifically contacted them when I did because I didn't know if DQ would be around to make a wish as an older child. I did this. I knew it. And in the year that we planned this trip, I never once felt that this wish trip was anything more than a wonderful experience for my sweet daughter who had gone through hell her entire life.
And yet . . .
The week before we left, we received a check in the mail to cover baggage costs on the flights, gas for the rental car, meals in the parks, and souvenirs for the kids. Make a Wish had thought of everything so we could have a true experience without worry. At that moment, it started to hit me. This was something beyond nice being done for us. Total strangers were giving us the trip of a lifetime, were taking care of us completely. I felt totally guilty. We didn't deserve this.
Then, the limo picked us up. We were greeted at the Orlando airport by a volunteer from Give Kids the World. When we got to the village, everything was taken care of for us. There were gifts for the kids, snacks. We were handed thousands of dollars worth of tickets to theme parks. And at the parks, we got to cut in line for rides or to meet characters. We were first, no matter when we arrived. The guilt I felt was enormous.
But nobody said anything. Nobody gave us dirty looks. People clapped when DQ hugged Lightening, even though she had cut in front of several dozen kids to meet him a second time. People took one look at DQ and her magic button and stopped to talk to us and make sure we were having a wonderful vacation. Everyone was so very nice.
And in the middle of the first day, it hit me like a ton of bricks: the reason for all of this was because my precious daughter has several life-threatening illnesses. It became more real for me than ever in that moment. I no longer felt guilty, but angry that she had to be so sick to be treated so well. And, in my mind, I challenged someone to complain about our special treatment. I wanted to yell "The price we paid for this royal treatment is our daughter's life!"
And at the same time, I felt incredibly sad. I so wanted to trade it all back. I wanted to stand in line for hours, hearing my kids ask hundreds of times "is it our turn yet?" But, we were on a wish trip because nobody can fix my daughter.
And not a sole complained the entire time we were on the trip. They all knew the price we had paid. I didn't need to scream it at them. They saw it on DQ's face, especially by the end of the week, when DQ looked obviously ill. Perfect strangers could tell DQ was ill. And not just ill, but fighting for her life. And realizing that truth emotionally, for me, was harder than the guilt.
So, while I can look back and smile at the things we did and cry tears of joy at the memories we created, each time I look at photographs of the specific day the Dancing Queen's wish came true, the first thing I see is a swollen, purple little girl, whose heart was overworked and lungs couldn't keep her oxygenated. And I then I am overwhelmed with the emotions from that day: extreme happiness mixed with utter despair. Why did it have to be her!
 |
| (Perhaps you can't tell from this picture, but DQ's lips were purple/blue, her fingers were purple past her first knuckel, and her cheeks are so red because they were stretched out beyond normal due to swelling in her face from blood backing up.) |
I will be forever grateful for the gift that was given to our family. We had a week together, without work, without hospitals or doctors, without most of the worries of our everyday lives. We made memories that will make me smile for the rest of my life, but along with that, I will never forget how it made me feel to realize how the rest of the world sees my baby.
Wishes Do Come True
The Dancing Queen's wish from the Michigan Chapter of Make A Wish was fulfilled last week!!! If you recall, DQ wished to meet the characters, especially Elmo and Mickey. So bright and early on Saturday, December 17, a limo picked us up and took us to the airport to fly to Orlando.
Make A Wish arranged for us to stay at Give Kids the World Village, an amazing resort for families on their child's wish trip. The Village is set up just for kids and was so amazing that we could have stayed there all week and had a wonderful time without any theme parks. Here is a picture of us as soon as we arrived at our villa.
We were at the Village from Saturday afternoon through Friday morning. We ate most of our meals in the Gingerbread House where all of the tables and chairs were kid-sized and ceilings were decorated with toys. The angels (volunteers) not only served us food, but carried our trays for us. Right outside the Gingerbread House was a carousel. The kids most have rode it a dozen or more times. Probably a couple of dozen times. They loved it!
The Village also had a giant sleeping tree that snored at us, a water park complete with pirate ship, dino putt putt, a train station with toy trains and a kid train, a life-sized Candy Land Game playground, and lots of other fun things for kids. And every day, when we returned to our villa, there were gifts for the kids! They got stuffed animals (lots and lots of stuffed animals). They got board games, videos, music, and other toys. It was all magical. A special place was the Castle of Miracles, where the kids could play and everyone can see the ceiling covered in over 140,000 stars. Each wish child who had stayed at the Village had a star on the ceiling. Here is a picture of DQ writing her name on her star for the Star Fairy to put in on the ceiling of the Star Tower (an addition built on to fit more stars!)
One of DQ's favorite things was the ice cream parlor, which was open all day long. We had ice cream every day and we even had ice cream for breakfast! Sometimes, she needed two spoons to eat the ice cream cause it was just so good!
We also got passes to Disney World, Sea World, and Universal Studios, so we spent three days at Disney World seeing Hollywood Studios, the Magic Kingdom, and Animal Kingdom. We also took the kids to Sea World. The Mad Scientist and I spent an evening at Universal. Everything was so amazing. We got to the front of the line for everything we wanted to do. DQ was given royal treatment. She had a button from Give Kids the World that told people in the park she was a wish kid, so when we went places, the people knew. We watched lots and lots of parades and in each one, at least one dancer stopped to talk to DQ. Simply amazing. Here is a picture of DQ waiting for the Pixar Parade.
We watched lots and lots of shows.DQ' s favorite was the Mickey Christmas Show in front of Cinderella's castle. Below are some pictures. I tried to capture the pure joy she was showing. These are close, but not true enough. I guess you had to be there to see the utter joy of her being able to sing carols with Mickey and Minnie.
We also did awesome things like eat lunch with sharks, take a safari where a giraffe walked in front of our bus, and see Darth Vadar in person! A highlight was feeding and petting dolphins at Sea World.
But, the main wish for DQ was meeting the characters. And we did that. A lot. We met Jake (from Jake & the Neverland Pirates), Lightening McQueen, Mater, Phineas & Ferb, a green soldier from Toy Story, Buzz, Woody, Pluto, Goofy, Minnie, Mickey, Squidword, Belle (from Beauty and the Beast), Ariel (the Little Mermaid) and Prince Eric, Shamu, and Tinkerbell. There were probably more as well, but I can't remember right now!
One of my favorite moments was DQ meeting Lightening for the second time. We were about to leave after taking all kinds of pictures. DQ ran back and hugged Lightening as only a three year old could do. She just stood there, hugging his headlight, knowing she might not see him again, just like he was a much-loved friend. The moment was magical (yes, that word again.) Lightening is one of her all time favorites. She sleeps with him every night.
Meeting Mickey and Minnie was pretty awesome too. They came to visit us at the Village, so we got a little more time with them.
But the most emotional moment of the week was meeting Elmo. DQ's initial wish was for Elmo and at Sea World, that wish came true. I was a blubbering mess as Elmo and all of the Sesame Street friends came to meet with us individually after their Christmas show.
This trip has proven that sometimes, wishes do come true. Seeing my baby's wish come true has done so much to help us all. The happiness that has been brought to our family because of DQ's wish being granted is magical. I know, I've used that word a lot, but there is no other way to describe what was the trip of a lifetime and memories I will cherish forever. I've never seen my girl as happy as she was last week. Thank you so much to the Michigan Chapter of Make a Wish and Give Kids the World Village!!!!!!
Make A Wish arranged for us to stay at Give Kids the World Village, an amazing resort for families on their child's wish trip. The Village is set up just for kids and was so amazing that we could have stayed there all week and had a wonderful time without any theme parks. Here is a picture of us as soon as we arrived at our villa.
We were at the Village from Saturday afternoon through Friday morning. We ate most of our meals in the Gingerbread House where all of the tables and chairs were kid-sized and ceilings were decorated with toys. The angels (volunteers) not only served us food, but carried our trays for us. Right outside the Gingerbread House was a carousel. The kids most have rode it a dozen or more times. Probably a couple of dozen times. They loved it!
The Village also had a giant sleeping tree that snored at us, a water park complete with pirate ship, dino putt putt, a train station with toy trains and a kid train, a life-sized Candy Land Game playground, and lots of other fun things for kids. And every day, when we returned to our villa, there were gifts for the kids! They got stuffed animals (lots and lots of stuffed animals). They got board games, videos, music, and other toys. It was all magical. A special place was the Castle of Miracles, where the kids could play and everyone can see the ceiling covered in over 140,000 stars. Each wish child who had stayed at the Village had a star on the ceiling. Here is a picture of DQ writing her name on her star for the Star Fairy to put in on the ceiling of the Star Tower (an addition built on to fit more stars!)
Both kids also got magic pillows in the Castle of Miracles to have magic dreams during our trip and at home.
One of DQ's favorite things was the ice cream parlor, which was open all day long. We had ice cream every day and we even had ice cream for breakfast! Sometimes, she needed two spoons to eat the ice cream cause it was just so good!
We had so much fun in the Village. The kids smiled whenever we were there and skipped as they walked about!
We also got passes to Disney World, Sea World, and Universal Studios, so we spent three days at Disney World seeing Hollywood Studios, the Magic Kingdom, and Animal Kingdom. We also took the kids to Sea World. The Mad Scientist and I spent an evening at Universal. Everything was so amazing. We got to the front of the line for everything we wanted to do. DQ was given royal treatment. She had a button from Give Kids the World that told people in the park she was a wish kid, so when we went places, the people knew. We watched lots and lots of parades and in each one, at least one dancer stopped to talk to DQ. Simply amazing. Here is a picture of DQ waiting for the Pixar Parade.
We watched lots and lots of shows.DQ' s favorite was the Mickey Christmas Show in front of Cinderella's castle. Below are some pictures. I tried to capture the pure joy she was showing. These are close, but not true enough. I guess you had to be there to see the utter joy of her being able to sing carols with Mickey and Minnie.
We also did awesome things like eat lunch with sharks, take a safari where a giraffe walked in front of our bus, and see Darth Vadar in person! A highlight was feeding and petting dolphins at Sea World.
But, the main wish for DQ was meeting the characters. And we did that. A lot. We met Jake (from Jake & the Neverland Pirates), Lightening McQueen, Mater, Phineas & Ferb, a green soldier from Toy Story, Buzz, Woody, Pluto, Goofy, Minnie, Mickey, Squidword, Belle (from Beauty and the Beast), Ariel (the Little Mermaid) and Prince Eric, Shamu, and Tinkerbell. There were probably more as well, but I can't remember right now!
One of my favorite moments was DQ meeting Lightening for the second time. We were about to leave after taking all kinds of pictures. DQ ran back and hugged Lightening as only a three year old could do. She just stood there, hugging his headlight, knowing she might not see him again, just like he was a much-loved friend. The moment was magical (yes, that word again.) Lightening is one of her all time favorites. She sleeps with him every night.
Meeting Mickey and Minnie was pretty awesome too. They came to visit us at the Village, so we got a little more time with them.
DQ was all smiles when she met Tinkerbell.
But the most emotional moment of the week was meeting Elmo. DQ's initial wish was for Elmo and at Sea World, that wish came true. I was a blubbering mess as Elmo and all of the Sesame Street friends came to meet with us individually after their Christmas show.
This trip has proven that sometimes, wishes do come true. Seeing my baby's wish come true has done so much to help us all. The happiness that has been brought to our family because of DQ's wish being granted is magical. I know, I've used that word a lot, but there is no other way to describe what was the trip of a lifetime and memories I will cherish forever. I've never seen my girl as happy as she was last week. Thank you so much to the Michigan Chapter of Make a Wish and Give Kids the World Village!!!!!!
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