Last summer, the Mad Scientist and I had a long weekend without the kids. I reveled in the luxury of extra time to myself. I vowed in this here spot on the web to take more time to myself. Shortly thereafter, DQ got sick and I remembered why I didn't schedule in time for myself. The problem with all of that is both were right. I deserve to do things for myself, yet I still have to take care of my family. So, for a while now, I've been trying to figure out how to accomplish that goal.
Then one of my circle of pulmonary hypertension friend's daughter was placed on hospice. They created a bucket list for Molly. When it became evident that Molly wasn't going to live long enough to accomplish the vast majority of things on her bucket list, people from across the country and the globe printed off Molly's picture and took her places and gave her experiences so her bucket list could be completed. In Molly's final days, she laid in her bed with her mom, looking at her picture traveling the world. She did so many things. And she continues to do so.
Molly's story made me think. I can't continue to put off my life until tomorrow. While I spend so much time trying to give DQ a wonderful life, I've ignored that for myself. And even though I tell the kids all of the time that nobody knows when they are going to die, something in me keeps saying "wait until tomorrow." So, I decided to start my own bucket list.
The problem is . . . I don't know what things I want to accomplish. I don't want to run a marathon or climb Mt. Everest. If I never swim with the dolphins or learn to play the violin, I'm okay with that. So, when I started this blog post last week, all I could think of was one thing--visit Iceland. But, really, I'd rather sit on a beach closer to home, than jump on a plane for a really long flight. So I took Iceland off my list. After all, a bucket list should be full of things you feel compelled to do and would regret not doing. While I think it would be fabulous to see Iceland, I'd rather be home relaxing with my family.
And so I continued to ponder what would be on my bucket list. Eventually, I came to the conclusion that there isn't any single thing I must do or I will regret not doing it . . . except spend time with my loved ones. I want time to enjoy my family. I want to be with them and see them enjoying life. I want to entertain in my home, inviting friends over, and make them lavish meals that I can watch them enjoy. Or even have a house that is convenient for just stopping by for coffee in the evening to chat.
I don't want to miss my kids going to bed every night. I want to hug them and kiss them and tell them stories. But, I still want to get them off to school in the morning and kiss them goodbye.
All of these things are very difficult right now because our house is so small. In order for me to be home at night when the kids go to bed, I have to pack up my work for the night, bring it home and clean off the dining room table just to set my computer down. While it only takes about 15 minutes before and after I work, it is a hassle that I just don't want to deal with for an hour's worth of work, so I kiss my babies over the phone and then again when they are asleep. But, if I had an office at home dedicated to my work, it wouldn't take that long. We don't currently have the space for me to have my own office (my kids share a bedroom!).
If I want to cook for friends, we have to squeeze into my dining room/office. Six people fit, sometimes eight, but that requires some people sitting in the other room! This is not conducive to entertaining.
So, in order to make my "bucket list" a reality, the Mad Scientist and I are looking for a new house--our forever home. I am excited and petrified all at that same time. Please wish me luck and when we have some space, you'll all be invited over for coffee or a gluten free lasagna extravaganza! (Yes, I am feeling better gluten free. Can't imagine going back!)