Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Nameless Characters

I've written a post like this before, but didn't publish it and deleted it. It is about the nameless characters in our lives that make my blood boil. These people we shall call X and Y are as close in relation to our family as you can get, practically speaking. They claim to love my children so very much and my children light up like Christmas trees when they see X and Y, yet, where are they????

In February, when DQ was hospitalized the last time, X and Y refused to visit because they might get sick. And they refused to visit this time because X had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  It makes sense, right? DQ has been in the hospital since last Thursday, will likely be in through this weekend and X has a 2 hour doctor's appointment on ONE day during the week, so they are way too busy to see one of the most important people in their lives.

Did I mention that neither X nor Y work. They only garden. If you didn't hear the snark in that statement, re-read it with lots of snark. We've had X and Y come to our house and pull TRex aside and ask why he doesn't visit them more often, prompting him to run to me and ask me: "Mommy, why can't I go to X and Y's house?" Then when we ask if we can come over, we are told the weather was too nice, X and Y need to garden.

I have many more instances.  X and Y totally skipped TRex's birthday last year and showed up 2 hours late to DQ's 3 hour birthday party last year. They rarely visit DQ in the hospital and are never available to give the Mad Scientist or I a break. (Contrary to what most people think, having a young child in the hospital is kinda like a prison for the parents because the child will not allow you to leave the room, making getting food impossible or even a break, unless someone the child loves a whole bunch comes for a short visit.) X and Y hardly ever visit DQ.

I've been angry with X and Y for years now. I've discussed their actions with them and how it affects my family. The answer was "that is who we are". I would like nothing more than to cut them out completely, but that is not an option. It doesn't make it any easier on me and frankly makes me want to scream. I hate what they do to my family. And while DQ and TRex are too young to realize how often X and Y disappoint, they are getting older. That makes it harder. I know not to believe them when they tell me they will come, but when they tell my kids and don't come, how do I explain it?  How can I explain to DQ that other people she holds in the same regard as X and Y visit her every single day in the hospital and X and Y can't find their way on any day? She will start to notice.

How can people who claim to love TRex and DQ so much constantly think of asinine excuses to stay away?


  1. People suck.

    I have a crapload of in-laws in the same city as my family, and they never once offered to take the kids off my hands up until we moved last month. Even though for the first 6 weeks of the twins' life, one parent had to be awake at all times. They never came over to relieve us or even offered to. My mom flew 3000 miles on a week's notice just so that my husband and I could get some sleep before we cracked.

    Hate hate hate people who are unreliable and who make promises to my kid without following through. Right there with you on this one, but I am sorry you are dealing with it on top of other crap.

    Hugs to DQ.

  2. I can only imagine who X and Y are. I know what they are missing. Children pick up very early who they are important to. I do not think you need to make any excuses for X and Y. It's hard to imagine that people close to you and who love (?) you would not want to give you and the M.S. a break--for your own benefit as well as being with the D.Q. without parental supervision--tongue in cheek here but I know it's easier to spoil without being observed!!

    From my own experience, my in-laws and I were not close. True, we were not living close but there were no phone calls and the few letters I received from them were very critical. They were not close to our boys. When they saw them, they were not warm with them. Sadly, A and S never quite figured out what to call them! They observed, quite early, that there was a big difference in their beloved grandma and grandpa and their standoffish other "relatives".

    Whoa! I think I completely hi-jacked your post for my own soap box appearance.

    I'd like to say that you should bask in the love that you and the children have from those relatives who are there for you because you probably aren't going to change X and Y.

    Now I'm trying to decide whether to press "post" or not!!


  3. Thank you both for posting. I really appreciate it. And because I know I am not alone, the next time I am told how lucky I am to have X and Y in my life because they are such a help (which I have been told on several occasions), I will not tear the head off the clueless soul.

  4. I feel your pain. I have an X and Y myself and with them come several XY spawns who make our lives equally as miserable.

    It is really hard when other people don't cherish the time they get to spend with our kids. Don't they know how freaking awesome they are?!

    Hang in there, mama.

  5. I'm so sorry that X and Y are like this. If I were you, I would totally get my snark on with them. I wouldn't be able to help myself. Oh, you need to garden? Oh, you have a doctor's appointment? Ah, yes, that makes tons of sense! You should totally not visit someone so dear to you! Then I'd hang up the phone. If you remain civil, I don't know how you do it!

  6. I usually keep my cool, but I also refuse to talk to them on the phone to hear the excuses. If the caller id has their number, I hand it over to the Mad Scientist. When X left a message last night asking how DQ was doing, I yelled at her message "If you really want to know, come to the hospital and ask her!!!!!!!" It felt good even though she didn't hear it.

  7. That is one of the most frustrating, non-child related aspects of my being a newly staying at home mom. Suddenly we have people in our lives who used to be happy to be stand-in mom when I wasn't available, but now that I am always around, they have dropped us like hot potatoes.


Having a child with a CHD is like being given an extra sense---the true ability to appreciate life. Each breath, each hug, each meal is a blessing when you've watched your child live off a ventilator, trapped in an ICU bed, being fed through a tube. Each minute is a miracle when you've watched your child almost die and come back to you.
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