I think it is funny how much certain places can bring back such overwhelmingly strong feelings.
Whenever the Dancing Queen is hospitalized in her primary hospital, I have to walk by the ultrasound department to get to the peds floor. I walk over the swirls the ultrasound tech sent me to walk over during my ultrasound of DQ to get her to move her hands. (She always had them over her heart.) The first time, my husband and I joked about the swirls. We thought the tech had sent us to walk on the squirrels.
I remember the jokes, but only after I get the painful reminder of the consultation room. Only after I remember lying on the table holding back tears when they said my baby was sick. I can't walk by those swirls without hurting from the memories. But in a cruel twist of fate, I must walk over those swirls frequently for my sweet girl.
Another similar place is my OB office. I had my annual appointment today. The entire time, I thought of how I used to sit there, trying to figure out how I would become the mother of a sick child. All of those fears and insecurities raced through me.
But more troubling was that I remembered myself before DQ in that waiting room. I could picture clearly who I was when I was pregnant with TRex and before the diagnosis with DQ. And I saw the huge change to who I am now. I'm not sure I like what stress, lack of sleep, and three plus years of constant worry have done to me. But how do I change? Can I get back the woman I once was? Do I want to?